Hello, It’s Me: Ghosts of Felicia’s Past

It’s 7:45am and I am squinting at my phone as I turn off my alarm set to Lauryn Hill’s “Doo-Wop (That Thing)”. I instinctively open up Facebook’s push notification to look back on the memories that I’ve apparently shared with 26 different people through their “On This Day” app, even though I’m still half-asleep. I’m immediately blindsided by two faces staring back at me. One I’m pretty familiar with, the other I’ve been avoiding for three years.

“On This Day in 2011…”

“On This Day in 2011 I was happily in a relationship, and we took a photo to commemorate our love, completely unaware we’d be broken up in a year’s time. Thank you, Facebook.”

Oh, the love/hate relationship I have with social media nostalgia. It terrifies me that on any given day I can stumble upon these Ghosts of Felicia’s Past. It’s like the virtual version of running into people I went to high-school with at Target when I’m home for the holidays. “On This Day” and “Time Hop” have made me run into my first love, friends who I don’t talk to anymore, and those kids in high-school I’m not sure I’ll ever fully relate to or understand. I’m instantly transported back to a time where I didn’t fully understand myself. While there’s always something sentimental about naivete, I often recall the overwhelming sense of insecurity I felt back then. I think back to the moments where I should have spoken up for myself; the moments where I questioned my own instincts because of other people’s influence. And I realize how the self-imposed guardedness was actually warranted because those relationships in question never made it anyway. It’s a lot to feel, especially at 7:46am.

In some instances, I get jealous of my past self. “Damn, 2010, 2012 AND 2014 Felicia was seizing the hell out of this day! Oh, but 2016 Felicia had a bad day at work and is just watching Netflix tonight? Sad.” How have these apps been able to make me competitive with myself?! And is that a good or destructive behavior?

Maybe being reminded of the days of yore push me to continue making a fun, happy, successful life for myself. But I’m learning to navigate these apps so I don’t get sucked into re-membering the past or hyper-planning the future and forget to authentically live in the present. What I try to remind myself is that these apps only show a curation of my best moments. Because as the old saying goes, if a moment isn’t captured for social media, did it really happen? Of course I’m only seeing cross-section of live events that I chose to publish on social media. I’m actively and constantly reminding myself I can still be living life authentically, even if it isn’t recorded on my “Time Hop” app.

And most of these morning reflections are much more pleasant. I laugh at inside jokes in the making, smile as dreams were being formed, and shake my head in that annoyingly all-knowing way as I see significant goals being achieved. I recall the pure excitement I felt as I embraced future adventures. I see my younger self taking full advantage of days of carefree bliss, before phrases like “student loans” and “apartment security deposit” were in my vocabulary.

Regardless of whatever I see from “On This Day” or “Time Hop,” it provides a cheesy moment of self-reflection and learning. While present-day Felicia may be having a bad day, I think back to 17-year old Felicia and how she would give me major props and an annoyingly all-knowing head shake for the goals I’ve achieved. And that’s exciting, because I can’t wait to find out what achievements will deserve an annoyingly all-knowing head shake in the years to come.