A year’s worth of kinky exploration
How was your 2022 in terms of intimate exploration? BDSM is sexual 10% of the time for me, but it’s still a form of sensual expression.
Hailing from a traditional Chinese household, I was raised to neglect my desires. Last year, I listened to many podcasts about intimacy. My favourite is Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram [1]. Shan Boody is a huge inspiration of mine in terms of romance, literature, and business. I hope she makes a podcast episode about coming out as kinky. I came out as kinky to my mother. I firmly believe someone can be vanilla and understand the appeal of BDSM.
Last March I ended a kinky, polyamorous relationship. The relationship I had with my ex was deteriorating and also stunting the relationship I have with my boyfriend. Had I never dumped my ex, I’d either be single now or in an unhappy, monogamous relationship.
My former self would bully my present self for saying this but…being monogamous improved my quality of life. Regardless of your lovestyle, if you don’t name and process your past traumas you’re setting yourself up for failure. I was unable to understand why things were going wrong in my romantic life because I couldn’t see myself as part of the problems. Now I understand how my actions affect those close to me. Therefore, I can further appreciate my boyfriend and govern myself better.
I knew my first kinky breakup would be devastating. It was a blessing in disguise. I was investing in a person who didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved. I was desperate when 2022 began; I returned to my usual, glowing self when the year ended. I believe I’m always powerful…but sometimes I’m afraid to own it. Last year made me anxious to extremes. I still have concerns but I’m equipped with tools to make living easier. You can never have too many tools at your disposal. Life is supposed to be enjoyable.
Shifting to monogamy with someone who started as a member of a triad was laborious. I should’ve handled it with more grace. The truth is, my boyfriend was dishonest with himself when we were in a triad. And me being dishonest with myself hurt both of us. He needs to live his truth and our truths can coexist. I respect his boundaries because boundaries help people love each other more competently. He respects my polyamorous ass and has civil discussions with me on the topic [2]. I’m proud of him for listening to me speak on issues he was unaware of being we first met.
Last spring, I began bringing my boyfriend to local dungeon parties and munches. He’s always by my side, whether I’m rushing to fetch fetish gear I forgot or catching up with my dominatrix friends at the kink party. He is a relatively shy person around other kinksters, but I think everybody wonders if/how they have to prove themselves to others.
July 2022 was a turning point for me. My mental health took a downfall so I researched somatica method therapists in my area. Between the ages of 17 and 20, I tried varying forms of therapy yet didn’t achieve therapeutic success until I tried the somatica method [3]. I share what I learn from my somatica therapist with my mother. Despite all her kids reaching adulthood, my mom evades discussing sex with her children. I guess she dislikes how I have a therapist who is trained in counseling polyamorous, kinky, and sexual adults.
My parents, nor my former psychologists, ever assisted me in regards to my sexual traumas. Sexual challenges occur when mental challenges are present. When I struggled with hypersexuality as a single person, I thought it would magically disappear once I entered a relationship. Boy, 19 year old me was wrong. I’m the only person who can fix me. I can be a sex positive person whilst acknowledging my significance when I’m not having sex. I’m determined to end the cycle of generational trauma may it be mental, physical, or sexual.
The outdoor kink festival, Folsom Street Fair [4], falls on a Sunday afternoon every September. I first attended the world famous festival with a stripper friend in 2019. Back then, I knew less than half of the BDSM knowledge I know today. I attended Folsom again in 2022, also with a dear friend. I received my bivalent booster there. The street fair wasn’t criticized for being the depraved, wondrous mess it is…Folsom Street Fair was referred to as a covid super-spreader event. Vaccination and masks weren’t required to enter, but there were booths offering Pfizer and Moderna boosters and bivalent boosters. I rarely hear about American clinics offering free boosters (much less, the bivalent variety) without scheduling ahead or requiring health insurance. That’s why I disagree with those critiques about Folsom Street Fair.
Autumn came and I began taking shibari education more seriously. Not only is rope bondage fun, but it is an art form invented in Japan. Few shibari/kinbaku educators in the US are Asian. I want to not only become a rope dominatrix but a shibari teacher. I prefer taking group lessons over finding a mentor for one-on-one training. With other students and a good facilitator, we can help each other grow in our bondage journeys.
BDSM conventions tend to cover a wide array of specialties such as relationship dynamics, latex worship, female supremacy, and leather history. There are literally conventions solely devoted to kinky rope. The rope kinksters are that serious about their craft.
Speaking of American BDSM conventions, they went digital during 2020. My first munch was over zoom in 2020. In 2021, I attended a kink conference that existed purely over zoom. Trust me, kink conventions are a lot better off of zoom. I can speak from personal experience, volunteering for a BDSM conference is immensely different from volunteering for kinky parties. I had an overall negative time volunteering for a conference. Thankfully, I had fun the next day as a regular attendee.
In late October, I flew to Louisiana to attend DomCon [5]. I had a brilliant time! A myriad of attendees and instructors were dominatrixes. Every lecture on the first day was for adult industry professionals only. It’s the only conference where I truly befriended strangers. During my first night in New Orleans, I visited Allways Lounge [6] to listen to Halloween-esque erotic poems. That was one of the best erotic live shows I’ve witnessed. As cliche as it sounds, my favourite part of my job was earning money through meeting new people…and investing my earnings into vacations to meet more new people.
My 2022 summed up in one word is humility.
The best (and worst) years are the ones where few things go according to plan. One of the most humbling lessons was accepting disappointment. I used to believe that healthy relationships would make me never feel uncomfortable. Unpleasant things, such as insecurity, are a part of life. A good relationship isn’t a utopia. A healthy relationship is one where you feel safe enough to express uncomfortable things, such as fears and insecurities, with the other person. I’m proud to say my lover and I are developing our communication skills with each other. When our plans are canceled at the last minute, we look at each other and say ‘the future will have more opportunities, let’s go home and sleep’.
It’s unfair to force those you’re enamoured with to indulge in the same kinks or sex acts as you. I doubt anyone will ever find anybody who has an identical want/will/won’t list as them. People learn and change and evolve. Patience is as much of a virtue as gratitude. Gratitude requires sincere expression. Through writing articles like this, I reflect introspectively on my kink journey but I hope to inspire people to be gracious towards others.
The age old saying is true: you don’t know what others are going through. You don’t know if someone had a panic attack after being rejected for being a dominatrix. You don’t know if someone feels lost because they struggle to ask for help. You don’t know if someone feels lonely because they haven’t met anyone else with the same kinky interests. You don’t know if someone is nervous because they’re recovering from hypersexuality. You don’t know if someone is suffering because they just experienced a polyamorous break up.
My word for 2023 is breathe. This year will be defined by moments when I take a deep breath before doing something daunting.
[1] Listen to Lovers and Friends on Spotify (not ad)
[2] My lover and I discuss the intersection of polyamory and sex work during episode 17 of my podcast
[3] Read about the somatica institute here or watch a youtube video here
[4] Read about Folsom Street Fair here
[5] View DomCon’s website here
[6] View Allways Lounge’s calendar here