The day after the Supreme Court ruling authorizing gay marriage, I posted on Facebook that 5-panel cartoon strip that went viral showing the Confederate flag coming down and the rainbow flag going up. I added a brief comment, ending with:

“It’s been a rough week for bigots of all stripes.”

I soon found myself regretting that sentence. I know, of course, that many people who oppose gay marriage and/or support flying the Confederate flag are, admittedly or not, prejudiced. But I also know that many others are not, especially among people who oppose gay marriage. (I am less inclined to be charitable to those who fly the Confederate battle flag.)

In fact, in 1998 I wrote an essay published in the Honolulu Star Bulletin that addresses precisely this subject:

What leads good, loving people to be against extending the right to marry to their fellow citizens who are homosexual?

My 1998 essay, reproduced below, offers an answer to this question that I believe applies to many if not most non-prejudiced people who oppose gay marriage. It still surprises me how rarely I see this explanation suggested or discussed.

First, a little background.

I went to Hawaii for five months in 1998 to help my mother care for my 75-year-old father after a difficult open-heart surgery. In that year, Hawaiians were voting on an amendment to the Hawaii constitution, Amendment 2, that would grant the state legislature the power to ban same-sex marriage in the state. (The amendment passed overwhelmingly.)

Leading up to the election, my parents fully intended to vote for this amendment. Married for 53 years with six children and 15 grandchildren, they were strong supporters of marriage, which in their minds meant traditional marriage between a man and a woman. They saw their pending vote as an affirmation of their longstanding support of marriage and a celebration of their own lifelong commitment.

Being the father of a 30-year-old gay son, I was firmly against this amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Mom and Dad and I frequently discussed the subject and their upcoming vote. We expressed our differing views robustly and listened to each other intently.

One emotional conversation with Mom stands out in my memory. After we concurred that homosexuals deserve to be treated fairly, I said, “Then you agree that committed gay couples are entitled to the same tax breaks, hospital visitation rights and so on that married couples enjoy.” “Sure,” Mom said, a bit frustrated, “but just don’t call it marriage!” I pressed on: “So it’s just a matter of semantics.” “No!” Mom insisted. “It’s not just semantics!” I sensed that something clicked for her in that moment.

I decided to write an essay and submit it to the Star Bulletin, a leading newspaper in Hawaii. The opinion page editor, Mary Poole, told me that this referendum had generated more letters and commentary than any other event or topic in the newspaper’s history, and with the election just a few days away they had decided not to run any more letters. But sure, she said, email it to me.

Poole liked my essay, saying it “reflected the torment and indecision of many people about this issue.” She decided to run it on Saturday, three days before the election. They placed it prominently, opposite another reader’s argument in favor of a ‘Yes’ vote. This would be the paper’s final reader input on Amendment 2.

My original title was Against Our Nature, but the editors, exercising their editorial prerogative, retitled it as:

Kind-Hearted ‘Yes’ Voters Should Search Hearts Again

Many people who are against same-sex marriage and voting “Yes” next Tuesday hold strong views about what they understand to be the “sin” of homosexuality. But I also know that a large number of people planning to vote Yes do not base their objection to same-sex marriage on fundamentalist religious beliefs or any other black-and-white condemnation of homosexuals.

These people, my own parents among them, are compassionate, tolerant, good people who just so happen to treasure their own sexuality and deeply honor marriage as traditionally defined. They are decidedly not gay-bashing, homophobic zealots!

As the father of a 30-year-old gay man, I have come to fully accept my son’s homosexuality. And my love for him never wavered from the moment he delivered the news 12 years ago.

Nevertheless, the thought or sight of sexual affection between men is still unsettling to me, as it is to virtually every heterosexual male I know, however tolerant toward gays he may be. And why not? Homosexual love goes against our intrinsic sexual nature.

But you know what? I learned that most gay men have the same visceral discomfort with the thought or sight of sexual affection between men and women, strange as that may seem in our predominantly heterosexual world. And for the very same reason no doubt: It goes against their intrinsic sexual nature.

In my opinion, the opposition to same-sex marriage by caring, tolerant people stems from the internal discomfort they feel when compelled to think about something that is by nature distasteful to them.

My parents have nothing against gay people. They love my son just as much as their other 14 grandchildren. But because, like the rest of us, they dislike being forced outside their comfort zone, they simply choose, perhaps unconsciously, not to think about the deeper questions of fairness and human rights at the heart of this highly charged issue.

If they did, many of these people would realize that, as valid as their own discomfort is, denying homosexuals the right to consecrate their committed love in marital union is inherently unfair. And it is deeply hurtful to our friends and loved ones who happen to be gay.

Yes, a marriage between two men or two women may be a shocking notion. But remember, the idea of extending rights to women and black people was similarly outrageous to many people not so long ago. We cannot grow unless we stretch our boundaries from time to time.

Martin Luther King famously said, “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” Here in Hawaii we have the chance to help that arc bend once again, setting an example of moral courage and human compassion for all the world to see.

To open-minded and loving people who are preparing to vote Yes on Tuesday, may I respectfully ask you this: Are you really sure you want to open the door to amending our constitution to restrict rather than expand individual rights — for the first time in Hawaiian and U.S. history — because of your personal discomfort with homosexuality, understandable and genuine as that discomfort may be?

(By the way, Mom recently changed her mind and will vote No. Dad is mulling it over.)

Ron Jones, Kihei, Maui

Yep, mom actually changed her mind after our discussions. Dad stuck with his support of the measure and voted Yes, with the majority.

But then something else happened….

I emailed the essay to my son, Mark, right after submitting it to the Star Bulletin, not yet knowing if the paper would publish it. Mark’s response:

Dad, your editorial is awesome. It gave me a little lump in my throat, knowing that it was inspired in part by me. I forwarded it to a lot of people, who in turn have told me they love it and are forwarding it. Pretty cool, eh? If it doesn’t get published, at least lots of people all over the country will see it. You make me proud, dad. Love, Mark

A few days later Mark forwarded me about two dozen emails from friends who had read the essay. I was overwhelmed by the love, emotion and gratitude they expressed. Many of the comments insightfully reflected and expounded on my essay. More important, they added an important element to the larger story here: how our gay sons and daughters thirst for our love and acceptance, and how much it means to them when they witness others receiving it.

Some excerpts from a handful of these emails:

That is the sweetest and most touching thing I've ever heard a man do in the name of his son. — Diana

What a great letter. I too feel lucky to have a mom and dad who are very accepting and open and love me for who I am. — Carl

You are so lucky to have the kind of family support that every homosexual would die for. This is a touching piece, I was totally balling all over it. God bless you. — Hugo

I wholeheartedly agree that much bias and injustice in our culture is because people get their feathers ruffled when confronted with something which makes them a little uncomfortable. The higher dictates of reason and fairness go out the door when people have a very strong emotional reaction to an issue. — Frank

This is so touching! I can't get over how lucky you are to have such an open-minded father! It puts things into perspective (especially since I had dinner with my folks last night and my dad is so closed-minded.) — Amy

This truly gives me the chills. What a lucky son you are! — Heather

Having allies who can recognize that to have equal rights we have to openly confront that we all are inherently different is extremely important. I am excited that someone like your father can help people see that just because it pushes comfort levels doesn’t mean it is wrong. Like he stated, many of the steps this country has made have been and continue to be uncomfortable, but this same discomfort doesn’t negate the fact that we are all human in the end. — Brad

I printed out Mark’s long email and took it upstairs to share with my parents. Dad read it all, then rested the papers on his lap and sat quietly for a moment. As he handed them back to me over his shoulder, staring forward, he said wistfully, “If I had seen these letters before Tuesday I might have voted differently.”

What a remarkable distance my conservative 75-year-old father had traveled. What a transformative journey we had all been on those few short weeks. My parents. My son. Myself.

I do not hold great hope for reaching those who suffer from extreme bigotry, although anything is possible and miraculous cures of deep-seated prejudice can and do happen. But I know there are many more people like Mom and Dad. People who, if they can be moved to see beyond their habitual thinking and unexamined beliefs to deeply consider the principle of equal rights and justice for all — especially for those who have suffered far too long the profound pain of not being accepted for who they are — then these good-hearted people can change their views, and thereby enrich and enliven not only the lives of their loved ones, but their own lives as well.

It’s all about communication, about making the effort to honestly talk and listen to each other. It’s about respecting each other’s life experience and genuinely attempting to understand each other’s point of view.

And, whatever our differences, to continually remind ourselves, as Mark’s friend Brad put it so simply and eloquently:

We are all human in the end.