This week’s newsletter is the second part of So, You’re a Man.
The world exists irrespective of the scale of your actions, and the world will keep existing despite your inaction. So why not do something? Why dither when the world continues its elliptical orbit?
Believe me, you’re not the world’s foremost character, but you play the leading role in your life. Hence, you condition the ground you walk on. In the first part of this topic, I wrote that I wouldn’t explain what it is to be a man but would talk about my experiences, but it seems I might shed light on manhood.
Societal expectations vs. the sole man
If there’s one thing that has shaped humanity, it’s our ability to sculpt societies and assign roles so we can survive and progress. Thus, we’ve made sacrifices to survive and advance. While seeing the animated film Elemental, a line from the movie struck me: “The only way to pay back a sacrifice is to sacrifice in return.”
One way humanity has sacrificed is through wars. Wars are fought to conquer, defend, and show ego. The people who die in wars become figures, with the occasional hero being honoured and the surviving family left with the memory of their sons and daughters. Yet for so long, kingdoms and nations were built on these figures, and in turn, they also became forgotten, eclipsed by time. “If war does not kill the woman in us, it kills the man.” The Thousand Fold Thought by Scott Bakker.
Society has its expectations, often lacking in fairness but requiring action: You’re a man, so you have to move, build, and protect. These expectations place a sense of entitlement on some men, and these men build resentment in their hearts if they’re ignored despite performing these expectations.
Nigeria is patriarchal like the rest of the world, ergo our society has placed a basket of expectations on your shoulders. By design, you’re of no importance and rarely acknowledged if you refuse to carry this basket.
You’re expected to make money, and if you don’t make enough, you become unheard, almost irrelevant, with the attention focused on those who do. I find it strange that our society places so much importance on money — certainly, it’s not just because Nigeria isn’t a wealthy nation. There is something more that makes us blind to the way money is worshipped here.
If our culture rewards and reveres money, it leads to men feeling inadequate because they can’t fulfil that expectation. Thus, our society measures men by the weight of their pockets without placing emphasis on their character.
They’re also expected to conform to tropes that seem ridiculous — obscure and serving no advancement — but alas, everyone before you conformed and everyone after you will do the same, so do it.
In all of these expectations, where is the man? The man is lost under the weight of the basket he bears.
Role models and your image
In our quest to find role models, we seek out people we admire and hope that under their tutelage, we can reach great heights. Of course, mentorship works, but I sometimes tend to love the solo journey. However, when you look at society, a lack of role models leads to rot. The boys of today look up to the wrong men. They see the reverence these men get, and they’ve seen the path they took, so they walk in their footsteps, abandoning the proper route and causing harm to everyone. Without a doubt, these boys discard their future and chase doom.
How does a society progress if the models embellish a life of dishonesty and ill-gotten wealth while being praised by the people? Such a society will never yield good fruits and will eat itself from the inside.
“The young can never see life for what it is: a knife’s edge, as thin as the breaths that measure it. What gives it depth isn’t memory. I’ve memories enough for ten men, and yet my days are as thin and as shadowy as the greased linen the poor stretch over their windows. No, what gives life depth is the future. Without a future, without a horizon of promise or threat, our lives have no meaning. Only the future is real.” — The Prince of Nothing by Scott Bakker.
Your mental image helps to steady the rocking ship we call life. Mirrors reflect likeness, but the mind shows the man as he sees the world. I’ve begun telling myself that I’m the centre of my universe to calm my worries, and it works because I can only control my actions and inactions. Who you are as a man isn’t merely up to the man in the mirror but to the man who grasps the impact of his choices.
Decisions and their scale
Every day of our lives, we make decisions that compound into the future. Now, the scale of these decisions controls the narrative of our lives. If one chooses to be honest today, will they also choose to be honest tomorrow? Well, momentum comes into play, as the start of a thing always leads to its continuation.
The scale of these decisions plays out in the future when we might have forgotten the initial moment we struck the first domino. As a man, you realize you make decisions that affect the lives of those around you. And unconsciously, you make these decisions daily, diving into the consequences of your actions. But if and when death comes, the basket of expectations moves to the next fellow, for you’ve made the last decision, which is to breathe your last.
So, Mr. Man, who are you? Are you what the world tells you to be, or are you the individual who pushes against the tide of the world?
I reflect on my decisions, and these decisions become points on my map of the world.
