It sounds ridiculous, but I’ve just found Feminism
Feminism had been a dirty word for me. I have always considered myself to be an ambitious, driven women who advocated equal opportunities and promoted choice.
Wouldn’t that automatically define me as a feminist? No, apparently not in my circle.
Perhaps a consequence of the male dominated world I was born into, feminism was sold as a movement that created discord between the sexes and encouraged hatred toward men. I’m an empath and in many respects, a pacifist. I use these terms to paint a picture of how I am essentially, anti-hate. Images of placards and aggressive activism portraying feminism in the media connoted conflict, not the peace I thought we all strove for.
I was also, to some extent, blind to gender. For at least half my life, I didn’t understand the need for feminism in the modern age. I had been raised to believe that I had equal opportunities and so, despite my gratitude, I was naive to how unequal the world really is. I was told girls had power (thank you, Spice Girls) and that I was an independent woman (thank you, Destiny’s Child). I didn’t recognise the alternative, more subliminal messages warning me I could be coerced and manipulated.
2020 shall, from this point on, be known as the year of my awakening. I don’t know how long this process will last, but it is hugely pivotal. It started with me taking action to change all that I have questioned, without knowing where I would head. The uncertainty of this year has empowered me to explore deeper into my own values, beliefs and past, for which I am grateful.
The series of events preceding 2020 were significant. It started a few years back with motherhood, a shift in my priorities and a child, rather than a man, being the central human in my universe. I had always been the breadwinner and took pride in being a provider, but now I was a lone parent juggling parenting, my career and the emotional remains of a manipulative relationship. As I climbed the corporate ranks, my eyes also widened to workplace realities. I became aware of discrimination cover-ups, pay-off culture, gaslighting, biases and injustices. I wanted to change the workplace. My ability to challenge was both celebrated and seen as a threat. I became aware of both my femininity and my role as a woman with some influence — it is important to separate the two. I have fought and made a difference to many people’s lives, but they don’t know it. Sometimes my passion for positive change has backfired. I have adapted my approach with each failure. I don’t know if my move to self-employment this year was me giving up, but it felt like the right thing to do. I knew my energy would be better utilised elsewhere — I just didn’t know where.
Despite working more closely with women, listening to their stories and understanding their struggles, I still did not reach the point where feminism was a cause I could back. I promote acceptance, belonging and equality in my work, but have never positively focused on one group. Then I read a book that changed my life. Three Women by Lisa Taddeo made me re-think the last 20 years. That’s most of my life. It made me look differently at my own experiences and how these have shaped me. My life took a different path in my teenage years, one that I had no control over. The desire to feel loved creates vulnerability. In this wrong hands, that vulnerability is dangerous. This incredible book also helped me realise that I wasn’t alone and that, even if all I have is a voice, I want to and can make a difference.
I’m now in the process of submerging myself, educating myself, on women’s issues. It sounds ridiculous, as a woman. I’m reading and I’m watching, including most recently Mrs America, the US drama series on the Equal Rights Amendment. I have now educated myself on the ERA. Oh, America! I cannot fathom the level of blatant discrimination in a country with such a significant population, that also has the most influence over the movies we watch and the technology we spend our days with.
I think that many people do not see the suffering in a group to which they belong. This is just a hypothesis, but it’s based on the understanding that when we either focus on helping others or have been made to feel that our own problems are not worthy, they become just that.
Without digressing, my understanding of feminism has fundamentally changed. It has changed because I recognise my own oppression. It is difficult to write that, when my independence and control has been so important to me. The oppression however, has been in the emotional sense and it is the result of a basic failure of our society to promote gender equality. I don’t want another woman to go through those 20 years.
Amnesty International defines feminism as “the belief that women are entitled to political, economic, and social equality”. It’s so basic, outlined like that. Like living creatures should have the right to breathe. Equality doesn’t mean same. There are fundamental differences between men and women, but whether these are physiological or psychological, they are no excuse to limit access to choice, opportunity and acceptance.
I was not alone in my years before my feminist awakening. In 2019 a YouGov survey showed that just 34% of women in the UK identified as a feminist. The term appeals less to working-class women, a finding that particularly intrigues me. The opportunity for activism is still not afforded to all.
Yes, there are some feminists who hate men (I now know the word here is misandrist). But here is a basic lesson in logic: just because A sometimes = B does not mean A always = B. Once we get that, we can overcome all sorts of stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination. We also get out of the habit of assuming one group of people hates another.
For the record, I don’t hate men. There are men in my life I love, celebrate and am grateful for. But I do have strong feelings about the exploitative, coercive and manipulative behaviour I have witnessed either first or third hand of men toward women. In many cases, I don’t believe this has been deliberate, but a result of powerful societal, cultural and parental influences. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen terrible behaviour between women too, but it is these relationships between men and women that have had the greater influence on ongoing inequalities. It is these behaviours and these inequalities that cannot continue to be passed down generation to generation. This is why I am a feminist.
We could all listen a bit more to each other. I hope to help promote that. Has the Black Lives Matter movement not taught us that? Learn outside your race, your sex (yes, this means women understanding men’s issues too), sexuality, abilities, beliefs and lifestyle.
Feminism is a movement toward peace, not conflict. Yet in my lifetime, this is not how it has been portrayed. What we know is changing, because we have access to voices, opinions and truths. I know I am not alone in my awakening and whilst I am not ashamed of the time I slept, I now have a part to play in waking others.
