Re-writing my story…
“Stop talking about it for one week and see what happens”
So much of my life revolves Myasthenia. I blog about it, I talk about it, I think about it… I’m seriously bored of it (I’m sure others are too…)
I’m tired of that storyline, it’s time for a change of direction, ready to take Junction ‘stop f*@ing talking about it’ off the motorway of Myasthenia (it’s okay, you can cringe at that too, I did...) Beep beep!
I’m ready to stop writing about it, stop giving it my attention, my thoughts, my emotions, my tears, my energy…
I’ve held onto it because it’s a safe place, it keeps me in comfortable situations, it provides me with excuses, reasons not to do things or go places, it gives me something to write about and to talk about.
It has kept me safe.
“Safe from success, safe from growing, safe from excelling and safe from the hurt of the people who will judge me for it”
^ Quoting the beautiful and inspiring Steph Wall.
Sometimes it was easier to give into it and cancel presentations, nights out, fitness classes or plans because I had an excuse, I had a get of jail free card and I had a free pass to say no. I felt I had a reason.
Whenever my family asked me how I was, there was always two questions or I gave two answers…“How are you? How’s the MG?”, “I’m really tired actually. But Myasthenia wise I’m fine…” So deeply ingrained in me I sometimes find it hard to imagine living without it.
Everyday, without fail, I get a Facebook notification from ‘Myasthenia Support Groups’ and today I removed myself from them all. I removed myself from being surround by people complaining, moaning and giving attention to Myasthenia. (Yes, they help people and provide advice but more often than not, it’s a pretty toxic environment). Daily morning messages about people complaining about living with MG isn’t really the most uplifting start to anyones day… Over and out.
We hold onto things because they are what we know and what we are used to and comfortable with. We hold onto things that hurt us. We keep ourselves in places of pain because it keeps us safe, because it gives us an excuse, a reason.
Saying I’m going to stop talking about obviously doesn’t lead to me being Myasthenia free, but it will lead me detaching myself from it, allowing myself to climb out of my safe place, my little secure warm cosy Myasthenia nest and create room for something much better, something much bigger…
I’m choosing my own distraction, I’m choosing to be better, I’m choosing to not let Mysathenia be part of my personality, a part of my definition, my identity.
I’m rewriting my story, heading for a change of direction, turning the page and jumping into a new chapter, I’m a new player entering the game, I’m ready to be someone I’ve not quite met yet.…
Myasthenia will always be part of my story, but it’s kind of like that prologue at the start of a book that no one really reads and skips to chapter 1.