The paradox

You make me feel better then you make me feel worse,

You are my worst enemy but my best friend,

You are my helping hand but also the hand that drags me down,

You push me forward then pull me back,

You make me happy and extremely sad,

You mean a lot to me but I want you out my life,

You improve my symptoms but present more,

You take to me happy hours and then the darkest hours,

You are a catch 22, a double-edged sword.

Oh sweet steroids, how I love to hate you.

A love hate relationship if ever I saw one. A very well documented one at that. They have been the most beneficial thing in making me better but have eaten away at my confidence. Weight gain, weight gain, chubby chubbbbbbby cheeks. SIDE EFFECTS.

They used to make me speak to myself in ways I would never speak to anyone else like. Damming. Disrespectful. Don’t you see how chubby your face is? Do something.

R o u n d. M o o n f a c e. C h u b b y.

But when I see someone, I smile none the less.

Beneath a strong front, a disease festers, an illness pesters.

Beneath a strong front symptom act up, feelings erupt.

Again, I’ve been faced with high dosages of steroids and for a while the side effects didn’t show up, but recently I’ve noticed my face changing, rounding, little hamster cheeks remerging, chubby little cheeks… It got me pretty down for a while. But then I thought…

Woah, heeeeey. These things are doing amazing things for me. Without them I would be struggling to talk, chew, smile… Without them I wouldn’t have ran 5K at the gym a few days ago…Without them I wouldn’t be as well as I am today.

So what’s a little bit of extra weight compared to all that and even more, WHO CARES. Appearance & weight is not all that we should be obsessed with. I saw a report that said girls are more worried about gaining weight than getting cancer, nuclear war or losing a parent! WAIT, WHAT?!

There is way more to life that how we look, I’m sure of it…

I’ve learnt to love the changes because it’s all just part of the course, sit tight.

It has become so important to me (and should be for you too!) to stop comparing yourself to others — you are doing yourself an injustice, your body is amazing too, it is doing amazing things and will continue to do amazing things. A little self-love goes a long way.

Appreciate the changes in your body because maybe they are because of a drug that is curing you,

Appreciate that there are better things to be doing with your time than worrying about your body,

Appreciate that big red spot on your face because it is your body helping you get toxins out your body,

Appreciate that as long as you’re healthy, your weight and apperance really shouldn’t matter,

Appreciate all your body has done for you in the past, the present and for all it will do for you in the future.

Thanks body, you helpful, beautiful, amazing, unique, not so little thing.

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