Courtney Ferron
Nov 4 · 10 min read

A Storytellers Tale

My name is Courtney Ferron and I am a twenty-nine- year old female from Sudbury Ontario. Throughout my twenty- nine years I have been through the many changes that life has given me. I have grown from them, healed from them, and learnt from them. I have found God, lost God and created my own definition of God; I have been emotionally challenged and emotionally healed; I have loved my body and had trouble living in my body; and I have been mentally aware and strong and sometimes lost faith in my brain. I will take you on my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical journey in order to best describe my life from a holistic point of view. The trials, triumphs, and next steps of my journey will be exposed and explored in this autobiography.

To begin, God and the idea of God was introduced into my life at a very young age. I was raised Catholic and went to church on Sunday. I was sent to a Catholic school from kindergarten to grade three. My family instilled in me the difference between heaven and hell at a very young age. I went through the motions of my first communion in the catholic church as well as my first reconciliation, where I was obliged as a nine year- old to go up in front of my peers and parents to confess my “sins” to a priest. Looking back, I find this ritual to be absurd and unnecessary. I felt humiliated and uncomfortable in this scenario as a young child who was in the midst of dealing with her parents’ divorce. Due to the ramifications the divorce had on me, I pushed religion aside because I could not understand why God would take my father away from my home if God loved me. A year later I switched to a public school and saw religion and God in a negative light.

When I was in my first year of high-school I had my first experience with death. Both of my grandparents passed away within exactly one month of each other. My grandmothers cause of death was alcohol induced as well as pure heartbreak from losing her husband to cancer. The effect that this had on me was insurmountable and extremely difficult to deal with as a young girl with raging hormones. I did not believe in a higher power at the time, so my pain had no outlet and manifested itself through physical illness. I found myself in my bed one evening crying and decided that I would try to pray. Although my idea of praying was different, I attempted to seek a higher power to connect me to my lost loved ones. Throughout the next couple years, my spirituality manifested in my connection to my grandmother. I currently believe now that I am processing her trauma through my own life and experiences. My healing journey has been an ode to her. My belief is that, through healing my pain and addiction issues I will heal hers as well as the women that come after me.

Although I was aware of the effects of addiction, I fell into my own patterns of addiction and repeated similar cycles to those in my family. I will touch further on my addiction issues later, however when I finally surrendered and began my healing process, I was drawn to a GOD within me. A God or higher power that I could believe in and turn too, in order to help me escape my depths of despair and darkness. I felt most connected to this God when engaging in meditation, creativity, and connection. I now feel as though I can trust my process because of my spirit and higher power that lives within me.

I engaged in a mindfulness course before I surrendered to my addiction. I could pinpoint this experience as my first spiritual experience as an adult. This class is where I meditated for the first time in my life. When I meditated something larger than me came over me, and emotions I had been holding onto for many years all came out at once. I felt as though I could not even partake in the class because I had no control over the very obvious release that was occurring spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This experience is one that is hard to explain and one that I will never forget. It is in that moment where I realized how disconnected I had been from myself for so long. My spirituality is now centered around that experience because it gave me hope that the spirit within me will guide me to where I am supposed to be.

My mental and intellectual journey is an ongoing process and struggle for me. Because I had a low sense self-worth from a young age, I focused on all the subjects I was not great at and failed to explore where my strengths lied. It wasn’t until in grade four when my peers and I were asked to write a fictional story that I was made aware of my ability to write. I submitted my story with no knowledge that it would be anywhere near sufficient. My story was about a girl that got locked in a shower stall in a public bathroom that was relative to an experience I had with my parents when they were still together. To my surprise, my teacher stated to the whole class that I had written the most influential story. Many years later, I have realized that writing and storytelling is not only my gift but my passion. Throughout my first university experience, I was more focused on my social interactions than my studies. However, because I am a capable writer and retainer of information, I was still able to receive my degree.

I spent many years after I got my degree not believing I was capable intellectually to pursue anything academically and stuck to jobs that did not require much difficulty intellectually. When I began my healing process a year ago, I began to journal daily and write the occasional poem. What I have now discovered is that; writing and storytelling is a huge part of me. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with an idea for a story or journal entry that I feel could help other people feel connected and whole. This past year I felt as though I was finally ready to pursue academics again. Although I have had many doubts about my intellectual abilities; I have worked on reminding myself that I am smart. Maybe I am not smart in the ways that were valued in the home I grew up in, but I do have intellectual power and ability if I am in the right environment and focusing on subjects that I am passionate about. Although I have set academic and career goals for myself that I still continue to have quite a bit of doubt in, I remain in the stance that the only real obstacle in achieving these goals is my own self-doubt.

​My emotional self has been the prevailing self within me that has been my greatest crutch and my greatest strength in my life. I have always been a highly sensitive and emotional human. I cried a lot when I was young. Whether it was because of a movie or a situation that the people around me could not understand. My earliest memory of feeling different emotionally was a time when I was about three or four years old. I was watching a movie about a young girl that became an orphan. I was crying uncontrollably when I was watching this film and was told by my father that if I did not stop crying, he would not let me watch it anymore. That moment was when I realized that my emotional expression was not something that could be expressed freely.

I also consider myself highly empathetic. From a very young age I have intensely felt the emotions of others around me. Earlier in my life, I viewed my empathy as an annoyance and something I desperately wished I could get rid of. I was overwhelmed by other peoples’ emotions and pain. I found myself constantly betraying myself and sacrificing my own well-being to accommodate the emotions of those around me. I began to develop a lot of shame around the fact that I was highly emotional and empathetic. So instead, I manifested the emotions I was feeling through anger and judgement. The anger inside me grew and grew and eventually became the leading cause of my desire to escape reality. Alcohol and drugs seemed to be the best crutch to deal with my internal struggles. I hit a series of rock bottom moments before I began my healing journey. I had pushed down my emotions so much that having them come to the surface became very painful.

It was not until I entered into a relationship with another highly empathetic and emotional human where I was shown that my raw and real emotions weren’t just acceptable, they were valued. This man taught me how to be myself, take care of my well-being and be emotionally raw and expressive. I could never commit to anything or anyone. I had become very closed off and protective of my heart. When he entered my life and pushed me to be my authentic self and show real emotion, was when I knew this was the one thing I needed to hold onto and fight for. I always made the safe bet in life that had an immediate reward, but something in my heart was telling me I should take a chance on this person who made me feel whole. We continue to grow together and use healthy outlets such as creativity and connection to express our emotions authentically through our unique creativity and ability to connect to others. For that, I have eternally gratitude for this beautiful man.

My emotional well-being and intelligence are something that I now try to use to my advantage. The fact that I can so strongly feel the energy and emotions of others is a gift that I can use for the greater good and make a career out of. I have been introduced to the term “wounded healer” and feel as though a healer is what I am born to do, due to my emotional awareness and ability to feel and care so deeply for others. I still find myself being overwhelmed by the emotions of people around me, however I now have developed better emotional boundaries where I am able to withdraw and rest when I feel I am overcome by this.

I am not fully healed and do not believe that my emotional trauma will just disappear one day. I believe it is a daily practice that I must nurture and pay attention too. And also take the time to rest and recuperate so that I do not become overwhelmed and try to escape the intensity that is ruling my head and my heart. Dr. Nicole Le Pera a Psychologist and self-proclaimed “holistic healer” stated, “I knew I was healing when: I started responding rather than reacting. I enjoyed time alone. I saw my parents as people with their own unresolved trauma. I set boundaries. I was ok with being misunderstood.”. This beautiful quote speaks volumes to me, as it affirms that I know that I am emotionally healing but that the journey is an open-ended one. The journey itself is home.

My physical state and well-being have been a love-hate journey my entire life. I’ve abused my body to near death experiences and cared for it as well. I was never a skinny person, however that body type seemed to be the norm in my surroundings and early life. I engaged in activities as a child like modelling and dance that focused highly on an ideal body type that I just could not attain. My relationship with food has always been very difficult and complicated. I have always used it as a comfort and a mask. I love cooking and food but the unhealthy nature of my relationship with it has cast a dark cloud over me and it shows on my physical body. I was thirteen when I began binging and purging. I wished every evening after I stared at my stomach in the mirror and did one hundred sit-ups that all my problems would go away if I could just have a flat stomach like my mother. I hated my body so much I once violently threw a mirror down a flight of stairs.

Dance was always a true passion of mine because I felt it was one of the first acceptable outlets I had to express myself. However, when I expressed to my father that my dream was to dance, I was told that dancers did not have bodies that looked like mine. This body image issue continued for many years until I came to terms with my curves and males began to show interest in me. This did not mean I felt beautiful, but it stopped the binging and purging.

When I began abusing my body with alcohol and drugs for many years, I was hurting my body in a different way and became even more disconnected from it. In the height of my addiction, my mother had planned a trip to New York City with my brother and I. I was quite worried because I had become so dependent on my vices that I was unsure if I would be able to function without them for a week. The first day of our trip my body completely shut down and everything hurt so badly I felt paralyzed. After that trip I did not necessarily completely quit my vices, but I began listening to my body and trying my best to nourish it. I never thought that in my twenties my body would fail me like it had and that scared me.

Food and body image are still a daily struggle for me that I must viciously pay attention too, but I have tried my best to put daily work into caring for it and repairing it. The term “health is wealth” really resonates with me as I want to focus on not going to war with my body for the second half of my life and repairing what damage I have done to it. I can now say that I although I don’t always feel “pretty” I do love my body and have deep respect for what it does for me each and every day.

To conclude, these chapters in my life that I’ve discussed thus far have not always been the most pleasant, but I am grateful for each experience that I’ve had because it has taught me the most valuable lessons. Those lessons that exist within me are something that I cannot put a price on. They encompass me as a whole person and will help me define my true essence and life purpose in the second half of my life. My second autobiography will hopefully be a reflection of the lessons I learned in childhood, adolescence, and my twenties. Where I will hopefully continue on my journey toward peace and self-compassion. I leave you with a quote by Carl Rogers, he states, “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination”.

    Courtney Ferron

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