It is so bright, streams of light bursting through from everywhere, I squint until my eyes finally adjust. It seems that I am lying on a bed in a room from my memories and suddenly, I find myself staring at her, sleeping peacefully beside me.
I watch as her face mysteriously glowed, the locks of her hair resting on my arm as she nestled close against me. It is a long, long time ago since I've last seen her, but looking at her this close made me remember how perfect she is — her face, carefully and skillfully carved by God; her lashes, long and enticing; her lips, full and a deep shade of pink; and her skin, soft, smooth and lightly tanned. Every part of her sparked series of memories and emotions within me, swirling and swirling through, increasing in intensity as time passed by in this bright room.
She belonged to my most fearful nightmare but yet, she was the brightest dream I've ever had.
I feel her stir, her eyes fluttering as her consciousness robs away her sleep. And I find myself captivated again by the same eyes, reflecting strength and utmost sincerity. She smiled at the sight of me and slowly stretched her limbs to shake off sleep.
“Hey,” she tells me, her voice once a tone I've always looked forward to hear.
I don’t answer, just continued staring at her as dark, vile emotions rooting from within creep up to the surface only to disappear once again.
There are a lot of words I can tell her, a lot of questions I want to ask her, but yet I choose to be silent.
Realizing that I chose not to answer, she held out her hand and lightly traced my brows to my chin, knowing too well that I respond more with contact.
“So, how are you?”
Seeing that there’s no harm in replying, I answer: “What part of my current life do you want to know about?”
“Hmm… Anything you want to share with me.”
“Well, I still study, and that. A lot of things are going on and I could really use some rest.”
“The usual you. Even back in the past, you were always buried under your books.”
She reaches out and plays with a stray curl of my hair. “But even though there are things about you that are still the same, you…”
“… You have changed, haven’t you?”
A shattering sound reverberated throughout the room. I glance up to finally notice that the room has its ceiling replaced with a seemingly never-ending darkness. The sides of the room where it meets nothingness are cracked and breaking, like pieces of glass shattering away, dividing itself tinier and tinier until they finally disappear from our sight. The broken fragments illuminate the huge void above us like stars twinkling through the night, my heart strangely calm while staring at the unusual event unfolding before us.
“A lot of things happened and the thing with you…” my voice trailed off as I gaze back at her.
“Let’s just say that whatever happened between us in the past changed me into a different person than I was before.”
She stops playing with my hair, loneliness creeping through the edges of her lips.
I chuckle and smile at her despite the empty feelings in my chest. “You used the most painful word you've said to me that day.”
With the same expression, she moves closer to me, our bodies touching, and buries her face on my chest.
“Do you hate me?”
Fighting the protests rumbling in me, I wrap her slender frame with my other free arm. I become vaguely aware of the shattering sounds from the walls, the light from the room turning dimmer as shards of light disappear every second.
“I did. Somewhere along the past, I hated you. Loathed you. Cursed you. Wished that I haven’t met you. But as time passed by, it tired me. Hating. It took a lot from me, controlled my life, but now I’m just happy it’s over. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. So now, I enjoy solitude, trying to avoid becoming vulnerable just like what happened with you.”
“But then, it’s like I killed the bright you.”
“You did,” I tell her, letting the words mercilessly stab her. “However, you’re not the only one at fault. The world was cruel for the both of us. You must have had your fill — hiding and lying to the people around us. It’s not like it’ll be easy to just come out and tell them, ‘Hey, we’re both girls but we love each other so please let us be together.’ I guess somewhere along the way you grew tired and wanted something more, something that I couldn't give you that time. Something that you think you deserve. In a way, I’m also at fault for failing to give you that.”
“This kindness from you made it hard for me too, you know?” she glance up at me, her face inches from mine.
“But you did anyway.”
She doesn't answer to that, just continued staring up to me, her heart beating in rhythm with mine.
“Hey, tell me…” I shift a bit to move my other arm, the one under her, around her waist. “Why did you leave me?”
She gives me the same sad smile. “You know I can’t answer that. Afterall, I am — ”
She stopped speaking as I pulled her close, our hearts hesitating a bit before finally feeling her lips against mine. It was the same as those moments in the past — her lips soft and sweet, her fragrance intoxicating, and her warmth embracing me, as my desire for her broke free from the shackles of hatred and pain, our feelings clashing and mixing and melting into each other, giving in on our love for each other for the last time. Both of us crying with longing, our hands trying to hold something together that is already broken apart, as we poured ourselves on that kiss. And the walls around us all shattered into pieces, the light of the room escaping away, exposing us to the shadows of oblivion.
She was the first one to break away, my feelings lingering as I snap back to myself, my desire finally leaving me.
“Afterall, I am that of the past. A fragment of your memory you wished to forget.”
She sat up and raised her arm. Cracks lined her fingers to her arm, shards of her flying together with that of the room.
“That’s why I cannot answer you. I am not the real one who live in the same world as you.”
I sat up with her and lifted her chin to direct her attention to me as the room reduced to small patches of light, the both of us now left glowing amidst the darkness. “Even though you were the one who scarred me, you were also the one who loved me, not the present you.”
She took my hand and placed it on her cheek, closing her eyes as I gently touched her.
“You might be the one who I have hated, but you were also the one who I have loved the most.”
With my words, she shattered into pieces, breaking into small shards of light, flying away from me and finally disappearing.
I stared silently as my last memory of her died away, vanishing completely into nothingness, finally forgetting the love that never was and never will be.