In the beginning..
Very recently I’ve begun to think that being in my early twenties is more difficult than movies made it out to be. Throughout media — we’ve been shown and told it’s a care free, travel based, party time. Having surpassed the whole “what the f**k am I going to do now?” after finishing my honours degree in Visual Art & moving my life to Vancouver — I am now all set up here, asking myself that exact same question a year and a half on.
I currently work as a barista in a craft coffee shop which has broken open my ability to have small talk and gained me confidence in beginning suddenly over honest chats with strangers. One day a customer came in and said “I’m having one of those mid life crisis things’”, I replied “Wow. Me too.” — he sort of laughed it off in regards to my age and position. I continued “Except, mine’s like ‘What am I going to do now?’ and yours is like ‘WHAT HAVE I DONE?’”. He then laughed a lot (thankfully). Looking at the possibilities in this life from this side of youth is scary, daunting and lots of other insecure uncertain feelings. You’re suddenly an adult with all these pre-conceived notions, hesitancy and limitations about yourself mostly built for you and told to you by the group mentalities that surrounded you in Primary & Secondary school. Suddenly, every decision you make in the next ten years crafts the most able and interesting part of your life story until your 30’s — under the same pressed notion that that’s when you’re supposed to have everything figured out by then and be totally capable and informed at raising another human.
I have a thousand and one things to say about being alive. One particular thing I have learned about life so far is that no one will do it for you. No one is going to take you by the hand, build your abilities, gain your experience with you, tell you exactly what you’ll be good at, tell you what to learn, tell you where you’ll get your first opportunity, show you how to move you to a different country, know where your career will bring you, point out when you’re supposed to feel happiness, satisfaction and achievement, know for definite who’s supposed to be by your side as you do it all. No one can be you, for you. And absolutely no one will encourage you every second of every day with every insecurity you might have to get by and keep going until you reach content. The thing I believe people have a hard time coming to terms with while becoming an adult AND being an adult is that they are OWED nothing. The world absolutely owes us nothing, not even just in relation to creative industries. Just because you are smart, passionate, interested in something, have a degree in something, know loads about something really, really cool — does not mean you will get the recognition and satisfaction from it without you having to climb that ladder, network yourself and gain it to absolute bits first. In all forms of careers and college courses, people can envision and talk about their own possible greatness at something and don’t even take the first step to creating it as a reality. It spreads bitterness, resentment and an incapability to feel happiness for other people — the ‘do-ers’.
An electric Uncle of mine coined the phrase — “GO, DO.”. And even though he has now gone and done, those two words echo in my head when I get lost in the weird place on youtube. I’ve had ridiculous amounts of time to spend with myself without my social support systems here in Canada. I became very fit. I introduced healthy, clean eating to myself. I’ve spent a lot of time worrying I haven’t been working on my career since leaving my art studio job, instead of being relieved to have some time to work on crafting and training my thought streams to go to less negative places. These past few months have built my personal independence. Actually living your life to YOUR standards of what you are and want to be and not to anyone else’ standards or opinions, as far as I am concerned — is learned. Those standards need some time to be created.
There is something insanely attractive and fascinating about do-ers. People who DO the things. They ACTUALLY do them. They don’t talk about doing it, they don’t dabble their toes in doing it, they don’t post interesting links to information about it — they do it, they live it, they interact with it and they spread their energy to those still watching the water instead of swimming in it. My favourite trait in a do-er is that they don’t answer to anyone for their decisions. Although people who know me would say I’m head strong & stubborn — I spend a lot of time trying to learn to stop making excuses about my choices, to stop seconding guessing and over explaining the reason I make choices and overall — gain confidence in my ability to choose for myself. There have been times I have believed I literally FELT things wrong. That my wires are crossed, perhaps not even attached and I am incapable of feeling direct emotion. Instead of accepting love and socialization, or god forbid — enjoying it, I am always calculating how it’s working, why it’s working, people’s situations, their thought streams, ways it’s going to go wrong, trying to envision the future, often feeling unsettled in the present. Sometimes I even believe I have constructed a personality, or version of me, for each and every person I interact with. I come home absolutely exhausted from just being — beginning conversations, gauging, responding can be so draining. Every person I interact with — I have to break them down first. The first clue I calculate a person’s character with is reflected in their fashion choices, that I have already configured into categories of “Likely Personality to Style”. The second clue is in the facial expression as they walk in the door. The third is in their eyes as they lay them on you. The fourth in the first word as they begin their sentences — is it a hello? Is it a direct order? Do they first intentionally ask about you? One of my least favourite ways a customer in the service industry begins the sentence with is “Maybe…”. “Maybe you could..”, “Maybe.. give me a coffee, without the coffee and turn the water into coffee tasting steam and fit it into my travel vapour? Maybe?” But even when it’s not something like that. And no matter who’s asking, what the context is — my head always chimes..”Maybe… NO.” I can relate that irritation to the certainty I’ve been trying to grow personally.
I wanted to make it official on this note and with this mindset I’m beginning my brand — MAYBE NO. And I’m trying not to care if it publicly flops, or if people won’t like my merchandise, or if people will think it’s not worth the money or if the name ends up being kinda shit and I have to rebrand all over again. I’m trying not to worry. It’s become apparent that worrying is like already paying for a debt you don’t owe yet.
If you actually are bothered and interested in my head space enough to have read this — I value your feedback, what you think, how you’re perceiving my posting, this blog and if you give me your interaction, support and feedback, instead of dreaded silent criticism — the world still won’t owe you one, but I will. Maybe No has a few commissions so far and an upcoming public event — I’ll keep you updated. If you’re interested — follow me on INSTAGRAM: @fiitricity FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/fiitricity and TWITTER:@fiitricity. For more news and ever evolving, tangling thought streams.
P e a c e .