Monsters is not big and dumb. It's just plain dumb.

Monsters would have made a better short than a movie. If nothing else, it would have had less time to get lost in its pan-Latin-American country that an introductory card (and recurrent maps) tell us is México, but is then presented as “San José, Central America”.

At least Jurassic Park had the sense to place the city in a country, not an entire region.

But whatever, let’s say it’s “San José, México”. For all five seconds, at least, until we get a face-full of Costa Rican license plates and hospitals. Officials quote bribes in colones, which the American leads will repeat in dollars without changing the amount.

“It’ll be 5,000 colones” “5,000 dollars?” “Yeah, sure, you just gave yourself a 500x cost increase, congrats”

These will last for half an hour, until they’re replaced by Guatemalan license plates, soldiers with Guatemala’s flag on their uniform, and government employees with a big honking sign on a desk that says “Guatemala” and a Guatemalan flag behind them.

Still México. At least according to the poster maps and countless movie-specific signs that were written by someone whose Spanish lessons stopped at el room-o upstairs-o.

A drunken mishap involving a thieving latina leaves our two heroes having to wet-back themselves back to the U.S (because Embassies are for suckers). To do so, they’ll have to trek through an alien-infested jungle, lead by local guides-slash-mercenaries who can’t distinguish between a cow and a truck-lifting monster. They’ll eventually reach the huge wall the American government built on the border to keep the alien infection from spreading into U.S. soil. Something that works as well at stopping the airborne spores of water-breeding behemoths as you can imagine.

The two young people finally admit they are in love with each other after watching two bioluminescent Lovecraftian mutations make out at a gas station.

Dawww. Aliens are people too.

For about ten seconds, at least, until you remember it was that exact same kissy-faced alien that got one of them killed at the start of the movie.

Damned foreigners.

The most surprising thing about it is that it’s from 2010, not some piece of post-Trump propaganda.

And if by this point you think I’m doing more than a bit of projecting, with a tagline of “after six years, they’re no longer aliens, they’re residents”, it’s just asking for it.

Gringo-est. Movie. Ever.

Originally published at

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