On Effort and Tenacity
I thought that I would make a coherent effort to write an essay, a personal reflection based on recent experiences that I have had, on tenacity and effort needed for success, whatever shape this success might take. But, I can’t. My mind/heart is a mess and it’s a struggle to do my work as I am doing it, to function. I can think only in fragments, with leaps from one thought/experience to another, and circling back again on my recent experiences with … certain people, and things. But, even more than that as I try to write this essay/feeling the thoughts/memories/passion are slipping out of my mind. Seeping out. I have an urge to drop this mid way and move onto something else, anything else, and just leave this mid-way. However, would have I done that, followed through on my urge to abandon this, then it would be me committing the same mistake again. The mistake of not putting in effort, and not being persistent. And, so, I will finish this, no matter what form it takes. The point should be to see this through, to make an effort.
Recently, I missed out on registering for the JLPT for the second consecutive year because I did not keep track of the deadline. I can only see myself dead in the future and nothing else.
Actually, this time it was even worse.Death. Because I found out about the ten day deadline (August 27- Sep 7), however did not make a note of it. Then, I was so busy and stressed out with work (working from home overtime every day) that I forgot about it. Then suddenly the thought surfaced, and I rushed. On the 6th. I skipped work and came late because I went to the consulate. Over there I got a number for some Ilyas. Turns out wrong guy. He arranges Japanese classes rather than register people for it. I have had this problem before as well. I have no idea what kind of people they hire at the consulate who misinform and misguide me, and then purposefully ignore my calls. I am devastated. My boss at work has been so shitty to me, not mean and overbearing kind but, not trusting me with the work or helping me out. And, then taking their anger out on me for other things.I just don’t want to work anymore, I feel so shit. HS has a problem of not paying attention to the other person’s situation and being too privileged. I strongly feel inadequate. And want to cry. I just want to die already. I can’t go on doing this. And I say that after which I go on working again.. My writing is complete shit and I don’t know what to do with it. And, I am talking about academic wirting, not this one.
I do know. I know.
But I just can’t. I can’t. Anymore.
I want to resign from my job and go away but then I thinking of not earning any money and TM, SN, SN2, HS and how nice all of them are, understanding, helpful, and supportive. I feel completely unless. I went and cried in the bathroom for a while because the deadline had passed another year wasted and i didn’t know of it anymore what to do and go from here. and my work was piling up and my boss was unhappy with me. I cannot continue with this. The whole day i was feeling so anxious and and horrible, i had to push myself so much to finish all the work, and this constant pending list thing is just getting on my nerves. HS is nice and kind but she needs to develop the capability to with care more as she tends to focus on herself only. Rehan is a God. in fact, that is how I have saved his name in my phone. I don’t know if AA saw me crying or not but even if he did i only think that he would ignore t. I am really done with it.
Tired from today
I lay down to sleep
Have written out, my guts
I feel comfy, and sleepy
And, can finally stretch and sleep
As I l
There was a list of things that I had thought to do, many things to do. 30, verging on 40. Under, 1 main thing to do. Get organized me prepared for everything in advance.
I thought to take some time out, write for myself
To take some time, and heal
A fractured heart, broken spine
Guilty spirit, and low self respect/esteem
As I die die die and die
And there is no other thought in me
I have no friends no love
But I have a brother and parents to love
I have turned off my cell, no seeing miscalls messages and whatnot
Have revolted — closed the tab in Firefox
No checking emails, no *bling* to cause anexity
Emails remain unread, seen, but unattened
And Tomorrow I will be busy from 1 in the morning
I wonder if after that I would be able to find the time
And energy
To organize my disoderly self
But more importantly heal
I must apply mself. There is a urge to read manga and drown myself in it, however I have little time for such delights. There are more pressing matters for me to attend to:
1. Finish writing/polishing my paper for the conference. Register for the conference.
2. Reply to SC’s kindness in kind.
3. Write up the minutes for the RC meeting, and make a proper pending task list.
I just had a horrible week, I cried in the bathroom, and my head was a total mess, it was difficult to keep track of things, and now I just want to not kill myself, but sit at home and ignore these issues rather than making the effort to address them.
I just felt so isolated, and stressed out. And shitty and a complete failure. And the gratitude that so many people expressed for me does not reach me. It really does not reach me. I am just not able to see myself like that. I can’t see a happy future. I was thinking this about my name recently, when I was introduced by AA to his friend HN, that how apt is Sarah Ahmed’ title, The Promise of Unhappiness, for me. Happiness is inbuilt in my name. The meaning of my name, MKS, is to be happy, and I am anything but that.
my father is a wonderful person. The sheet amount of love that he has for us, I cannot penetrate the surface even. However, I am unable to express my love for him. I should be making notes about the event, the MoU signing that was just recently undertaken but I just can’t see myself as doing that kind of work right now. Even though the time is running out it sure has been a long time since I have wirtten anhthing for mysellf and to effect with the purpose of just gettings things out of my chest otheriwse I feel that I will break under the pressure of it all. Even though I have talked to many people about this there is stil much that I have to unload and unload the same thing over and over again because it keeps on bugging me a lot. Meri sui ushi jaga pe aitiki hui hei. now that the electricity is back II think it’s also time for me to start properly working again and become organized.
My father really does so much for us, I really love him but what kind of love is it if I am unable to express it? I feel so shit
