So depression is talk in a town and people keep on judging everyone who are suffering from depression and labelled as "crazy", "emo" and worst, "over reacting."
I bet, you don’t know the feeling until you experience it. I guess, this is the right time to share this.
I dont know if it was depression or what. It was all started when I was Kinder. I dont want to go to school just like a normal kid on their first day of school. My mom gave up and decided to lock me down on cr where is too dark until I promise to go to school without crying. (But please dont judge my mama. She is the best mom and half as a good woman I know) As I promised, I go to school and trying my best not to cry. But still im crying inside until Grade 2 - I guess, this is the time I learned how to hide feelings and emotions 'coz I know no one ever dare to listen for some stupid and "little problem." And if you say it to anyone, they will just laugh and judge you.
I gained friends as the years past by.. I always wearing a masungit, suplada and serious mask. But all they see is real attitude being hard in front of them. HAHAHA 😂 I chose to be a hard as a rock in this world full of liar and plastic. And guess what, I can tell you "hard things" infront of you not caring about what you think of me. - Reason why I only have few friends. I can count using my one hand. I dont mind.
Everyday, I handle every little problem "too emotional" no one will ever notice 'coz im doing it all alone during 1 to 3am (thats why suicidal thoughts happens during these times) I always crying alone under the table where is too dark. I dont know, but I found comfort under our round table at the kitchen.
If you know me in person and reading this, I know you’re thinking na "Hindi ikaw yan." And yes. We have same thoughts, I always talking to myself, "Hindi ikaw yan." But this is me being emotional alone during nights.
I experience crying alone, where is no one is willing to listen. Good thing, I have Dinosaur (my dog) who is always hugging me when I started crying. I feel comfort. And dumating sa point na all I see was negative vibes. Reading, scrolling thru social medias and watching suicidal news on tv. Plus, negative people around you. Yes, totoo siya. May mga point na parang may bubulong sa tenga mo na "die" and suddenly you will see a knife near you telling to kill yourself. You have no control.
And there is a point you’re just walking alone, may bubulong near you na go run on the middle of the road and die. All you hear is "DIE." Walang pinipiling time. You have no control.
Being the youngest in the family, some are thinking you’re spoiled and lucky. But NO. Being the youngest was hard for me. I see how our family being broken in the past years. (Not literally broken) I mean, mag-asawa yung oldest and leaving home and you and mom left alone. Lonely. This is the time you want to stay as a kid. And turn back time. It was hard.
And darating sa point na you’re being negative to yourself. You’re thinking about future and you just want to die rather than being left alone. Thinking you’re useless and no direction. I was crying all night and praying to God like, "Please, if you love me Lord then stop this pain now, never wake me up and let me die." Many times I have been praying for it. And I fall asleep. Morning, I wake up crying. Saying, "Pati ba naman ikaw Lord." thinking He is not listening.
During those days, I opened a blog where I share my real feelings and no one can read, judge and comment. I guess. But this was a public blog but at least I’m hiding in a username. This is when I found *@finding_heaven* screen name 'coz im looking for heaven in this world full of hell. I signed up a new facebook account where is no friends. Actively sharing alone. You will see all black colored pictures and clouds. Thinking I have my own world alone.
Anyone can fight against depression.
Trust me. You dont need a help from anyone. Sometimes, you only need yourself. Many times, I am talking to myself and asking, "Worth it pa ba mabuhay?" I will see in mind the picture of my family. Happy. I smile like crazy kid. Riding on a jeep, I feel the air. It was worth it. Eating delicious food, thinking if I can still eat it when I die. Looking at clouds every morning. I appreciate life.
Some will laugh with this. Some will listen, comfort and a lot will ignore. I dont mind. You’re not helpful.
And yes. I wrote it during sad nights. When I’m fighting against a silent whisper "DIE."
But still, I keep going;