The Rime of the Mid-Thirty-Something Modern Male

Where to begin? How to start? Telling my “illustrious” history seems so foreign… Please bear with me as I stumble through this. This is going to be a brief crash-course into getting you up to speed with my story.

My name is Jeremy Falconburg, and was born in McCook, Nebraska on the 4th of May in the year nineteen hundred and eighty-two, year of our Lord. I am currently 34 years young, I practice neuromuscular massage therapy, and am also intrigued by the Pokemon GO phenomenon. We’ll discuss more about my hobbies, likes, dislikes, and all of that bullshit a little later on. Where were we? Oh yeah…

I was brought into this world by Cynthia Sue and Martin Lynn Falconburg, and have two older sisters — Shawnarae and Amanda. My parents were high school sweethearts, married young, and have always been hard workers to provide for the family. Martin (henceforth referred to as “Dad”) was an oil rig worker during the earliest years of my life. Truth be told — I can’t even recall memories of that time…but I’ve seen pictures of me being at a job site with him playing with plastic army guns and helmets. Which, apparently, means it happened. Or did it? Answers like those can only be given by God herself, and maybe the Polaroid or Kodak company film-developing team.

We moved around during my toddler and infant years — starting near Sterling, CO and then moving down to the tiny rural community of McClave, CO (pop. 932) when I was about 2–3 years old. I went to preschool and kindergarten at McClave consolidated school. I had about 11 classmates. Yeah — that place was small AF.

Despite it being a small town with “not much to do”, there was surprisingly a lot to do. I mean, not things that were choice — like a Broncos game, a WWF event, or Chuck-E-Cheese…but there were endless ways to play outside. Building forts, going to the river, climbing trees to eat fresh mulberries, playing with horses, pets, and livestock around the community, and too many other things to list. But, in the end, what was my favorite thing to do outside as a youngster?


Yeah. I’m a gamer. I grew up on Atari 2600, Colecovision, Nintendo, and classic stand-up Midway arcade rigs. Oh, my dearest Link, Samus, Mario, and Paperboy bike-riding kid…what sweet memories you have given me! However, I won’t dive into this at the moment. More on this later. Pressing on…

This is the part where I skip a bunch of boring details about how I switched schools in 2nd grade, generally felt like a societal outcast within that school-based microcosm for the better part of a decade, and then eventually finished my senior year at a different school when I chose not to be a part of that aggravating bullshit any longer. Who has time for details like that? (If you would like to hear more about this — message me, and with enough feedback I’ll dive into it.)

After a long and awkward “career” at multiple schools — I graduated and decided that going to college right away was simply not for me. 12 years of schooling was enough for a while. It was time to see what being an adult was all about. I quickly found out — being an adult in Lamar, CO was really lackluster and boring. I suppose if you had a family of your own, it would be vastly different — but I didn’t. If you had a big network of friends and subscribed to the routines of everyday life, I’m sure it would have been vastly different. I didn’t really have such a network of friends. Don’t get me wrong — I *had* friends — but I’ve really only kept a small network of close friends at any given time through my life. If 2 of my friends were busy simultaneously — it basically meant I was playing video games solo, or hanging out with Hand-gela. #firstworldproblems

During that first summer out of high school, I was working as a construction hand for my dad’s company. The work was tough — and I was terribly out of shape. The sun and hours were brutal — which meant I came home with terrible sunburns constantly. Also, there was a prevalence of back-related pain and issues I kept having recurrently. This was how I discovered I had spina bifida occulta — or the malformation of my 5th lumbar vertebrae. I consider myself lucky to have the occulta variety of spina bifida, there are many who are not so lucky. I was given some advice by my chiropractor, and I believe the discussion went something like this:
“My diagnosis is that your shit is all fucked up.”
I’m remembering that wrong…

It was more like this:
“Jeremy, if you don’t stop doing physical labor — you could be in a wheelchair by the time you’re 40.”

That was enough to make me re-think what I needed to do moving forward.

Then I went to college, had a 3-year relationship, and moved to Phoenix for a short stint after my heart got completely broken.

That pretty much catches us up to speed to the present time…

Not really — but that’s all the time I have for now. Looks like you’ll have to check in for the next blog for more about yours truly.