Fuck your customer experience

Fuck terrible, inaccessible product websites. Fuck inadequate product information. Fuck your terrible website search function and its awful fucking interaction design. Fuck your search filter that only allows filtering by one facet at a time. Fuck slow page-load times so weighed down by analytics that I don’t know what I clicked on. Fuck your webpage whose content is organised for you, not for me. Fuck your algorithm that insists that because I just bought a washing machine, I probably want to buy a washing machine.

Fuck your relentless popups put there by three different internal departments. Fuck your cookies popup that only gives me the option to accept everything. Fuck your cookies popup that gives me options and toggles at a level far beyond my ability to understand or engage with. Fuck the cookies popup that appears and must be dismissed on every single page of your site. Fuck your absent or inadequate explanation of why cookies are even necessary for my visit. Fuck all the relentless, badly-designed cookie popups that have taught us that accepting and dismissing a popup without reading it is the only way to use the web and get anything done.

Fuck your complicated checkout experience that tries to persuade me to buy extra items and services. Fuck making me open an account on a website I’ll never use again. Fuck adding me to your mailing list without asking me, just because I bought your product. Fuck “why do you want to be removed from this mailing list?” pages when the only answer I ever check is “I never signed up for it”. Fuck selling my email address to other companies without my knowledge or permission. Fuck making me write a letter to a physical address if I want my details removed from your database. Fuck the marketing emails that don’t have an unsubscribe link. Fuck the relentless emails from Chad from Customer Support, who just wants to know how I’m getting on.

Fuck your product delivery, which happens days or weeks later than you said it would. Fuck the sucking communication void between you and the logistics company to whom you subcontract delivery. Fuck your phone queue for customer support and your menu system designed to automate me away from human beings. Fuck the scratchy, degraded, 23-second recorded loop of music that was already bad two decades ago while I’m on hold for 90 fucking minutes. Fuck your «we’re currently experiencing a high volume of calls» message that plays no matter which day or what time I call. Fuck being told, when I finally reach a person, that it’s the other party’s fault. Fuck the 90 minutes spent in their phone queue. Fuck being told — again — that it’s the other party’s fault. Fuck the strong call to action on your online chat that is so salient and so perfectly placed next to the box I type in, and which cancels the chat without asking if I’m sure.

Fuck the multi-part delivery you divided into two parts without telling me. Fuck only catching this because I checked the website on a whim. Fuck getting a text that says «Sorry, we can’t deliver today», but which doesn’t tell me when you can deliver. Fuck waiting at home all day for a delivery that doesn’t come. Fuck doing the same the day after, with the same result. Fuck your telephone queue, again. Fuck deliveries that finally arrive hours later than the delivery window I was given. Fuck having to sign for a delivery before I’ve had time to take the goods into the house or open them to see if they’re all present and okay. Fuck paying for extra services like installation or testing that just mean someone plugged it in and turned it on.

Fuck your «how did we do?» after-sales questionnaire that doesn’t differentiate between bad purchasing experience, bad delivery experience , and bad product experience. Fuck NPS and being asked if I would recommend you. Fuck your cutthroat staff evaluation scheme that means if I give Hamid from customer service anything less than 5 out of 5 stars, his contract won’t be renewed. Fuck asking your support staff to plug the gaping hole in your company’s service design. Fuck rewarding customer service people for doing the most challenge job in the organisation by paying them badly and putting them on zero-hours contracts while your managing director gets another fucking pay rise.

Fuck your organisation that forgot why people are important.