Dear Medical Patient…Please Die!

Dear Medical Patient,
We know. You didn’t ask for cancer, to be born with a genetic disorder, or to get hit by a drunk driver. You never meant to fall off that ladder while you were cleaning out the gutters and hanging the Christmas lights, and you aren’t the problem! We understand you didn’t ask for massive burns after hot oil spilled on you at work, and of course you never meant to get a traumatic brain injury while riding your bike. It wasn’t your fault that idiot was texting and driving! You never dreamed you’d end up in the ER and need emergency surgery. It was never your plan to get in a motorcycle accident. And when you signed up for the military, you never imagined you’d hit an IED. You never thought when you registered for that marathon and spent months training for it, that there would be a terrorist attack, and you’d barely make it out alive, your body riddled with shrapnel, half your leg gone, life shattered in an instant. Lyme disease wasn’t in your life plan. Neither was MS, rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, Crohn’s disease, or CRPS. Heck! You didn’t even think AGING would ever catch up with you! You thought you would be young and healthy forever! After all, you worked out, ate pretty healthy, went to work, tried to be a decent neighbor and productive citizen, your “golden years” were supposed to be GOLDEN. We’re so sorry they’re not turning out how you thought…
We get that there are MANY injuries and illnesses that cause severe pain, and we understand that this pain can become lifelong. We are aware that this severely impacts your ability to function, destroys what quality of life you have left, and causes further harms and physical decline — up to and including “sudden death” — when the pain is left under or untreated entirely.
That said, we just WON’T help you. Why, you ask? Good question!
You see, as you know, illicit drugs are flowing into our country and flooding our streets, and people are illegally purchasing these drugs from drug dealers, and some of them are overdosing and dying. You know, tale as old as time. But we don’t really want to do anything about that. There’s no money in it for us, so why should we care? In fact, we’re just going to leave the cartels alone and not worry about how the drugs are getting into our country, because that’s just too much trouble! I mean, China. Mexico. Need we say more? We’ll make a few “big busts” here and there to — you know — keep up appearances, wink, wink! Plus, we like to strap on our bullet proof vests once in a while and look “tough” for the cameras. Makes a great photo-op! The press eats it up!
But what we’re REALLY excited about, is all the BIG WHOPPERS we’re going to tell the public!!!! The Media will get on board, and the public will believe ANYTHING! They are SO easily manipulated! And SUCH a short attention span! It’s like taking candy from a baby…but I digress…Why would we lie? Because there is MONEY to be made!!!! And we are KEEN FOR THAT GREEN!!!! There are doctors we can shut down and seize their assets! There are pharmaceutical companies to “blame” that we can bilk BILLIONS out of if we just play our cards right!!! Yes, we KNOW they aren’t the ones flooding the streets with deadly, illegal, illicit drugs (you know, the ones that are ACTUALLY killing addicts), but just be a dear, and keep up, please! We can EVEN make obscene amounts of money off the addicts! Now they are a REAL goldmine! Some of them can go through rehab DOZENS of times, and STILL not stay clean — and that’s all just more money and profit for the “right” people! In fact, we can EVEN get them hooked on the pills WE like for LIFE!!!! THEN we can SUE the drug companies AGAIN for THOSE drugs when we “decide” we don’t like them after all!!!! (cough, cough… Suboxone… cough, cough). Give me a holler for those dollar bills, baby!!!!
Politicians, DEA agents, “Addiction” specialists, EVEN the “new” pain clinics — sorry, I mean, DRILL MILLS — can make a KILLING if they get their business plans just right! Yes, we know that all those injections aren’t safe, and patients are getting seriously hurt — some are even dying — but what’s a little death in the face of ALL THAT MONEY?! And we KNOW it sucks getting your nerve endings burned off, and it really isn’t a great idea and there is a heck of a lot of room for medical error, but don’t you worry about that! Just lay down and take it like we tell you to! And of course the psychiatrists and psychologists can make a BUNDLE from telling medical patients that their physical pain is REALLY a “mental illness” and their desperate pleas for relief are just “cravings” for “drugs.” Oh my GOSH?! I can’t BELIEVE I almost forgot about ALL THE ACADEMICS and RESEARCHERS!!!! GRANTS, FAKE STUDIES, OH MY!!!! MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND!!!!

Oh wait, sorry, was that you, Medical Patient? You DARE to tell us your physical pain is REAL and not imagined?! There you go! “Catastrophizing” your pain again! And yes, we JUST made up that word! (but Stanford is backing us BIG on it!!!) Along with the three OTHER new “mental illnesses” and “substance abuse disorders” we decided to label you with for being a non-compliant Patient and continuing to INSIST that your physical pain is REAL! HOW DARE YOU!!!! You REALLY need to stop that! We KNOW you have a spinal cord injury, that we just fused 3 levels of your cervical spine, and harvested bone from your hip — but Tylenol should be JUST FINE for that!!! You thought we’d give you something else for the pain? You dirty little “drug seeker!” You think we care how much it hurts? Go suck on an ice pack! Cause that’s ALL you’re getting!
OH!!!! And POT!!!! Now we can REALLY make a killing there! It’s the next “billion dollar industry!” If we just tell all you loser Medical Patients in pain who just REFUSE to get with the new “meditation-only model” of new-age pain relief, or — GASP — refuse dangerous injections and don’t want to get your nerves burned off for the seventeenth time — to just go smoke a joint if you’re going to be SO ungrateful… we can STILL make GREAT money off you by making you pay for a license to buy our Government sanctioned pot, from a Government sanctioned dispensary, for jacked up Government prices, with jacked up tax revenue, WOWZA!!!! CAN YOU SEE THE GREEN!!!!! It’s gonna be GREAT!!!!!
So as you can see — so much money to be made, so little time for pesky things like medical ethics, intellectual integrity, truth, the scientific method — SO BORING!!! But can’t you see, dear Patient, that your sacrifice is worth it? EVERYONE makes a KILLING, while YOU die from PAIN. Small price to pay, right?! Why don’t you just be a “dear” and “take one for the team!” We’ll all be over here counting our cash stash!
Signed,
EVERYONE but YOU. Because you, dear Medical Patient, you poor, unfortunate soul, don’t matter. Please just get on board, or shut up and die quietly…
Preferably out of sight and without a single whimper…
And leave us all your money…
You know…in case you have ANYTHING LEFT after trying every supplement under the sun and a few we harvested off the moon (those will REALLY cost you), all the acupuncture, tai chi, meditation, dry needling, injections, hypnosis, yoga, green tea, PT, CBD, sun worshiping…you know, WHATEVER, as long as it isn’t cheap, effective, tried and true prescription pain medication — we REALLY don’t care…JUST DIE ALREADY, is all we’re really saying!
Oh…and one last thing? Can we harvest your organs and use your pathetic brain for “medical research?” THANKS!

