Lauren Ann Carleton. Why Are We Not Saying Her Name?
Sorry about my sporadic writing schedule. I’ve been suffering through some depression. It’s like my sudden desire to be brave on a dating app resulted in a psychological regression where I don’t even want to go outside let alone socialize with anyone.
Ah, anxiety. How lovely.
Anyway, let’s go on because I want to talk about some really really stale old tea. Like, month-old tea. Everyone’s talked about this. Everyone’s moved on. But I still want to put in my two cents.
So just a quick refresher on me if you’re new to my profile. I’m trans-femme, 2 years on HRT, and I have a lot of social anxiety. A lot of my anxiety has to do with the fact that I really don’t pass at all as a woman.
Some days I have made peace with this and other days are darker. But that’s another story.
Anyway, today I want to talk about cis women allies.
Allies are important. They really are. Some days a good ally at the right time can make you feel like you can make it through the day. I remember one day at the mall I suddenly had to use the restroom. Nightmare scenario! Luckily it was early in the morning and nobody was really there so I just ducked into the ladies’ and use the facilities. As I was washing my hands, I saw this tiny woman come into the restroom. I’m short, and I remember thinking that I was still substantially taller than her. Looking at me she froze, and I could immediately see her start to say “You’re in the wrong restroom.” Then I saw her eyes flick to my clothes (long skirt, long-sleeved blouse), my hair (long) and she didn’t say anything. Instead she gave me a friendly smile and walked into one of the stalls.
I don’t know know exactly why, but watching her just give me a smile and then walk into a stall really made my anxiety melt. I just felt so, so grateful. I knew she could see I was trans. I knew her first instinct was to be afraid of me. Seeing her actively suppress that fear, give me a smile, and go about her day soothed me.
A lot of people know where I am at, and they want me to succeed. At least that’s what my therapist says and I sometimes believe it.
Anyway I was thinking of that woman smiling at me in the ladies’ room when I read about Lauren Ann Carleton being killed. Lauren Ann Carleton was a mom of nine kids (yes, NINE kids) and Carleton was shot by a guy who was angry that she flew an LGBTQ flag on her store front.
She was killed for being an ally.
And that’s just so depressing and sad. Those nine kids lost their mom because their mom wanted to be our ally.
But no one is saying her name. Heck, it’s been a month, and too many people have forgotten her.
Carleton was shot on August 18, 2023. One week later famous trans activist Dylan Mulvaney won a Streamy award.
Mulvaney gave a speech after she accepted her award, and not once did Mulvaney mention Carleton’s name. Not once.
“There’s been an extreme amount of transphobia and hate,” Mulvaney said, “And I know that my community is feeling it, and I now know that even our allies are feeling it.”
Yes indeed! So now, just ten days after Carleton was shot to death for flying an LGBTQ flag, it would have been great if Mulvaney mentioned Carleton’s name at this point.
But Mulvaney apparently declined to mention Carleton. Instead Mulvaney went on to say this: “I see so many amazing allies that have platforms. And I think allyship right needs to look differently and you need to support trans people publicly and proudly.”
Oh cool. More demands on allies. Lauren Ann Carleton supported us publicly and proudly Dylan and she was shot to death for it. And Dylan didn’t even mention her. Instead Dylan just implied that allies needed to do MORE for trans people. (Getting shot to death isn’t enough?)
I swear to God, Dylan’s speech is what makes rational cis women become TERFs. Hell, my heart just sank looking at some of the expressions of the women watching Dylan.
This is what women look like when they’re trying to be polite but are harboring internal doubts about the person giving the speech.
And can you blame them?
Dear Lauren Ann Carleton. I never knew you when you were alive but for some reason I desperately miss you now that you are gone. I’m so sorry that your life was taken from you so soon and that your family now has to cope with your loss. I already know you were the sort of person who would have given me your couch if I needed a place to stay, helped me with my hair, used my correct pronouns in front of my friends, fed me stew on a cold day, motivate me to get my ass out of bed when I wanted to retreat from the world and later tell me she was proud of me when I finally got my shit together.
Please rest in peace.