Clean Up Your Relationship Closet

We are who we are by virtue of our associations.
 — Anonymous

You know how every year or two we open our closets and say, “This is out of season, this doesn’t fit anymore, or how the heck did this even get in my closet???” We clean out everything that no longer fits for us, and we create space for the clothes that really matter. Today I’m going to talk about your relationship “closet”. I want you to open it up and take a good look at what’s hanging in there. Go on, open the door, I’m not going to judge.

Make a list

Get out a piece of paper and write the names of the people you interact with. These can be family members, friends, work colleagues, people you hang out with socially, anyone really that you spend time with. We’re looking for the people who are a good fit for your mental and emotional well-being. Consider the names on list. Who can you rely upon to inspire optimism and hope?

*A caveat here, sometimes we confuse ‘permission to wallow’, with support. You probably know how this one goes. You’re in a funk about something and you tell other people about it. Some people will happily throw you a pity party and encourage you to wallow in negativity and despair. In fact, they will probably also let you have some of theirs. This may feel validating, because misery loves company — but its not exactly helpful, is it?

This is important because when hope feels like it is in short supply (as it does for us all from time to time), we look outside of ourselves for it — we look to our relationships. Which people on your list are most likely to help you move forward? Think about this one. Not which people will let you wallow, or stay stuck — that’s not support, that’s enabling. Which ones encourage forward motion?

Back to your list

Reflect on your relationship with each person on your list. Do they inspire you, make you feel supported and cared for? Do you feel encouraged to be your best self when you are around them? If you got really honest, would you say the relationship lifts you up, or would you say it weighs you down? Does this person make you feel hopeful, or do they reinforce the status quo?

Which people on your list are hopeful in their own lives? Which people operate from a place of believing change can happen, and tend to create positive outcomes in their life? Which people on your list believe you are resourceful, capable, worthy of a healthy and happy life? Which people will consistently hold you to creating that place for yourself? Which people inspire hope?

Look for the people who actively encourage your resilience, inspire your confidence and belief that you can and will get through your problems and may even sit you down and help you create a plan for how to do it. These are the people you want to be spending time with.

Divide your list in two. You can use a highlighter to do this. Use one colour for the people who lift you up and inspire you. Use another colour for the people who don’t. You’re going to want to be spending more time with the people who lift you up and a whole lot less time with the people who don’t.

I want to take this one step further. Consider the following quote:

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with
 — Jim Rohn

When you start thinking about the five people you spend the most of your time with, how do you feel? Optimistic, happy, satisfied? Or a bit apprehensive, a bit worried that you might not be getting the relationship “juice” you need to thrive? Have another look at your list now. Make a check mark beside the names you spend most of your time with. Which group do they fall in?

If you find yourself spending the majority of your time with people who aren’t contributing to your mental and emotional health, it’s time to change that.

Look for the people on your list who inspire you to be the best you.

Spend more time with those people

That’s right. Those are the people you want to spend time with, not just when you are down and feeling unhappy, or stuck — but across the board. Surround yourself with confident, optimistic people. Nurture relationships with hopeful people who have overcome their own trials and hardship. Remove people from your inner “circle of trust” who discourage you, hold you tight in your suffering, or who are so self-absorbed they can’t help themselves, let alone others. Seek people who inspire and believe in you.

Seek hope.

[Like this post? Find me http://www.e-stranged.com/ ]