IDGAF

I am currently utterly confused. There is this anger in me. I just see things not working out. I just see me missing MIT due to a shitty 32 page passport. You know, since I had the letter from the MoE, I was pretty much optimistic that I would get my passport without any hurdles. But, man this is not what I got.

There is this mf in the Immigration office. I got into his office and without even explaning my case he just ignored me. I felt irritated from the inside out. I felt and am feeling like giving up. I am worried that all my hard work would be all for nothing. I feel like all of my work and accomplishments are going to be multiplied by zero.

Currently, I am in headspace where I am thinking why the fuck I am worrying too much. I am wondering “why in this world I should keep working for the best?” “why in this world would I want to struggle?” I mean I just could take the university examination and just study in my country like everyone else. Why did I walk the extramiles?

Walk the extramiles; it’s never crowded

I told myself everysingle day. I even wrote it above my bed; I saw it everyday; It was my daily mantra; I beleived in it. I did it. I walked the extra miles and got into my dream place. But, the one question dominating my brain at this moment is “what for?” “the extra miles for what?”

And, it’s actaully a reasonable question. The one thing about me is that, when I get in this siutations (where things aren’t in my favor) I tend to get irritated and don’t want to talk to anyone. I see everyone being against me, and this leads me to reaction. I hate it. I even blame my parents and sister. I know, deep-down, that they are by my side. Though, I know that my mom was right besides me these whole time, I just take my irrtation on her and my loved ones. And, this ain’t fair and rational. What did they do? Nothing. So, don’t mistreat them. Don’t you dare forget that there will be a day where you will crave for someone who truly cares for you; who offers you food; who calls you to siit by there side. So, never take them for granted.

What is the solution to my case? How can I get out of this rut and anger?

As an aspiring Stoic, I know the concept of “AMOR FATI.” Let’s explore this idea. So, in my case, how can I apply “AMOR FATI?”

I didn’t get the dude to give me my passport, and what is the consequence of this? I might not make it on time next fall @ MIT.

Are there other options I can try, or is this my last option?

No, it’s not. I have plenty of options I can try.

Is this something I need to get irritated about?

No. No. No. It might occur to you that you have the reason to get irritated, but nothing on this earth is worth getting irrtated for. Let’s for instance see my case in the grand scheme of the universe. Let’s for instance see my case in comparision to the vastness of the universe. Does it even closely matter? No, it doesn’t. Never forget that your life is like a movie frame that could be removed and nothing about the movie is going to change as all 8 billion people on this earth. I am not saying that I need to stop trying. Of course, I will exhaust all options I could possible have. But, at the end of the day, things might not be in my control.

So, stop this nonsense. Get on track. Do what you love while you have the time to do so. Do not pull yourself down. Stay up. And, don’t forget that there is something more powerful than you, GOD. No matter how hard you try things, if it’s not god’s will, you will never get it or be it. So, if god put this thing for you you will have it no matter the obstacles. And, don’t lose faith in god as he is the one who put you in this position first place.

You got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 17 @ 10:16 PM. Current headspace: confusion, irritation — -> clarity and tranquilty.