Questions for Marshawn Lynch

Yesterday Marshawn Lynch played a little game with the hardworking people who cover the goddamn NFL for a living. It’s how they put food on the table and he treated it like a joke. Well Marshawn, I know you don’t care about fines, but did you know that you are now on Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s turf? And a lot can go wrong between today and Sunday. Feel like talking? Good. Let’s proceed like adults and answer the questions you irresponsibly blew off yesterday.

Marshawn, talk a little bit about how special it would be to do something special in your league’s most special game.

Marshawn, I know you don’t like sportswriters, but I would like you to consider two great practitioners of our craft — Skip Bayless and Mitch Albom — and then apologize.

Marshawn, I too would like an apology. I just want to stand here in my dad jeans and weird glasses whose lenses keep changing color based on what kind of light I’m in, and bask in it.

Marshawn, you’ve been asked not to jostle or hoist your penis / crotch region when you score, so on Sunday will you —

Marshawn, sorry to interrupt, but I’d like to share something, I too have been asked not to hoist or jostle my penis. Now, I was not on a football field. But I was in a public place. A department store. And I think I know how you feel. It’s suffocating. I don’t feel like me anymore.

Marshawn, talk a little bit about the hospitality and goodwill of the people of Arizona. Doesn’t have to be anything specific.

Marshawn, I’d actually like to hear something specific about Arizona. Have you been to Desert Swirl Frozen Yogurt on Thunderbird Road yet? No? Think you’re too good to support local businesses here?

Marshawn, where do you rank yourself among the greatest running backs ever to play the game? I’m looking for something that will make a lot of my readers angry. I just want the comments section to bulge with vitriol and racism.

Marshawn, in terms of schemes, you never know what the Patriots will throw at you, so if you see them doing something new on defense, will you just fall over and let them tackle you easier? You probably will, right? I’ll just put that down as a yes. Can you be quiet while I tweet this?

Marshawn, any sad personal stories that we can tie to possibly winning or losing the Super Bowl, that would prove you’re either a winner or a total failure?

Marshawn, the media has always treated your cousin JaMarcus Russell with respect, so it’s puzzling as to why you wouldn’t want to talk to us. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Marshawn, most of us don’t know how special it will be to win a second Super Bowl? Will it be special?

Marshawn, can you say something inflammatory about the Patriots? Doesn’t have to be anything too outrageous. If you just say, “I want to win,” I’ll do the rest.

Marshawn, I don’t think people understand the magnitude of what you’re on the verge of accomplishing, so, yeah, just remind us about this opportunity to do something special.

Marshawn, have you gotten to spend any time near a cactus?

Marshawn, can you talk a little bit about Skittles? I don’t think many people know that you like Skittles.

Marshawn, did you know that Sheriff Joe Arpaio has instituted a no candy on the field ordinance, and will charge anyone eating candy on the sidelines with a felony?

Marshawn, if you were Roger Goodell, how would you investigate deflategate? Just tell us what DAY ONE of your investigation would look like, and then just kind of roll out your strategy from there. I picture you using a magnifying glass and staying in a weird Foxborough motel. Is that accurate?

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