Not Judge Sunday

How and when to be less judgy

Ah my big 2015 resolution —to be less judgy — this is actually a hangover from 2014 but who’s judging ☺ I have always formed opinions rapidly even as a little child — this colour — that material — this book — that painting — it’s not to say I am in any way massively decisive but in many realms I pace to conclusions — I personally like this quality about myself because it helps me look to my happiness in any situation but I realised that it closes my world in so many ways and reinforcing my tastes narrows my world and there is very little that I find more personally compelling than intellectual novelty and interferes with learning and evolution of character.

My friend’s late father who I profoundly admired urged us once to give situations the benefit of the doubt — it was a very small moment of choosing green tea ice cream when we recalled liking better at another Chinese restaurant and were hesitating ordering it for this reason and he urged us to order it anyway saying you never know it could be better — and to our pleasant surprise it actually was — it was a small moment but it really wrought a considerable change in my inner attitudes of the world — of balancing my existing convictions with the rich and exciting possibilities of the world — uniting one’s passions with optimism. I knew then as I feel more strongly about this now that what he was urging us to do was to suspend judgment and embrace the moment. I do not always live up to this ideal but the value of suspending judgment entered my psyche incontrovertibly that day.

This is more true of the matters of the skin than anything else — to be comfortable in your skin is to know who you are today but still be open to evolving with novel information, enriching experiences, new people basically being less judgy is to be open to growth and a happiness you have not yet imagined. Still here are some heuristics at navigating a less judgy life —

1. Understand the limits of taste — this is key for any new situation if one goes into it with optimism reserving judgment of all the knowledge baggage it could surprise you like the green tea ice-cream — you know what you know but what you don’t know can be more thrilling. It’s wonderful to love and know authoritatively what you know but there is joy lurking in the unknown that your defined tastes can shelter you from and making room for novelty is the great gift of being less judgy.
2. Listen to you instincts — sometimes you feel before you know — this happens to me with people — I feel very strongly drawn to them with little information or averse to them — what being less judgy has taught me is to pay attention to how I’m feeling even as the knowledge unfolds though in positive instances because they are very rare I just drift closer and watch my instincts unveiled.
3. Accept reality — the bravest thing to do in life is accept reality promptly — not tomorrow, not next month but right now — yes the world is changing all the time but you have to see what is happening in the here and now for what it is warts and wonders. This is better achieved by not being judgy but perceiving any situation objectively or at least as much objectivity as you can muster. It is not always comfortable but it is necessary. Removing the ego and the emotion and this is a powerful place to be even if not altogether pleasant. To imagine a happier existence is incredibly powerful but change must emerge from your present reality to take root.
4. Be decisive — if there is any shadow to being less judgy it is that it has the potential to introduce hesitation into action but reserving judgment does not and should not preclude decisive action — could you know more tomorrow? of course — is patience a virtue? — yes it is but there is a fine line between patience and procrastinating decisions — I know this because a dear friend of mine pointed out that I had a tendency to be indecisive — I reflected on what he said and saw how waiting for information can be paralysing — it is far better to act — to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
5. Be ready to reflect — many things are obvious but there is at least as much truth and beauty in the less obvious and having been decisive with all the information and convictions one had at a time you have to be open to the fact that perhaps the decisions were wrong and all was not as it seemed but this is where one needs to look squarely at the situation but even be less judgy of the self for having acted as it did — this is not an excuse for rationalisation but an opportunity to reframe objectively the past to set one up for a better future.
6. Be Less Grudgy — Of all the things that have made my life happier the experience of forgiveness from the people I loved and admired has restored my strength and joy. Also forgiving others — we are people not automatons — we make mistakes and a big part of being less judgy is accepting and extending forgiveness to others — absolution costs us nothing and is always in our power to give — be less judgy and grudgy — there is a quote to this end that I read in a biography of young Victoria ascribed to her first PM Lord Melbourne — “There’s a little good in the worst of us and a little bad in the best of us so it isn’t right for the best of us to criticise the rest of us.”
7. Stay true to your values — this is another shadow aspect of judgment — we cannot confuse taste with values and if a situation or person is forcing you act against your good judgment it’s just not worth it — one lives with integrity and actions far longer than the compelling temptations of the moment it’s worth it to be aware of who you are and what you believe in even as you embrace the world less judgily — you can accept that others have different values but if they are urging you to stray from yours well that’s a call to exhibit good judgment with clear boundaries and if your are judged for not being open well accept that gracefully as well.

You might ask what this has to do with skin but if there is any idea worth remembering it is Audrey Hepburn’s quote that “Happy girls are the prettiest.” The backdrop of this post is Reubens’ Judgment of Paris — where the Trojan prince was called to judge Athena, Aphrodite and Hera — if he had suspended judgment regarding the relative beauty of these goddesses they could have neatly avoided the Trojan war and that’s a big up to being less judgy ☺It is not Reubens I love in the National Gallery but the one I haven’t seen yet at the Prado in the spirit of staying open to new experiences!