PARIS 2016_ Day 2
there comes a point, always, when you get to realise something that you never used to, like, you never even thought of understanding Thelonios Monk, but one day you have this ‘urge’ to listen to his plays and suddenly you fall in love. jazz came just like that, to me. these days. not that i mean i had not liked, but now it comes to me more real. like it really comes to me heart and tortures like crazy. it will rip you off and tear you apart with all sorts of sadness that’s how you love jazz. .. or is it just too wrong?
we had exceptionally laid back meeting today (this never happens when on the business trip, well, for me), i liked my colleagues, we work quite okay still, had good dinner in such a long time (no i couldn’t eat properly still), was in relatively pleasant mood with a bit of drunken in such a long time too. overall it was a good day, i am having all evening to myself, walked around, and now lying in the bed writing and listening. this is good
..because i have been so sad for too long. i was almost fed up with this inertia, but then i really didn’t know what to do. i actually know how to sort this out, but the only solution i knew would never happen to me and i also knew that already. so the only thing i could do was to get on with this sadness as much as i can handle and just die with it or else that only solution will happen right before my death — either way. and maybe that is why jazz stabbed my heart so easy. surprisingly i don’t listen to any other music. i started off with concert by the sea, but now i am only listening to everything happens to me with every version. . i have been like sinking forever.
i kind of felt while on the train, that this trip may give me some sort of ventilation as i was pretty stuck in my own agony too much, and today went as my expectation. for the first time in a few weeks, i managed to get away with this ‘herzleid’ even for a few hours or so and i managed to eat properly, even though i couldn’t finish the dish. i drank, too, i felt more or less good, chatted a lot with my colleague.. so all in all i would call it a good day. .
i thought this trip will be my last one before the move, but apparently i am expecting another one, but i feel that is also okay because that will be another ventilation and i know when i am back home, i might come back to the routine of sadness that’s been saturated for all these weeks and i wouldn’t get to function normally again. i mean i don’t expect too much from me life now. i felt like i devoted most of my energy to only one side and this is almost faded and i am actually watching it vanishing away, so i don’t know what’s left at the end of the day.. so more or less living for the day and see if tomorrow eventually comes.. that’s how i feel today.
i know.. everybody has their own agenda and they don’t need to show everything to everyone.. and i don’t like someone who carries too much of proud of oneself and that is one of the millions things i liked about you. you were humble yet very firmed, you are not necessarily overly proud, but you have confidence in yourself. you never failed delivering what you wanted to express to me, i know you are stubborn, but ain’t that how everybody is after all.
i still think it would have been really.. maybe just too nice if everything was genuine as i would have believed and things i believed happened in the end and everyone got so happy. maybe i should have known in the first place when i felt something for the first time, but maybe i deliberately slipped that thoughts away just to see you for another half an hour. it would have been really sweet if everything you said was true and there is no lying lying around. mine was always true and i would never thought of doing anything wrong to you because that would be the least thing i would do in my life.
as the song goes,
i fell in love just once, and it had to be you.. and everything happened to me..