I have become almost obsessed with the numbers I see when I step on the scale. Every time I see a higher number than the time before I feel as if I have committed some horrible sin and when I see that I’ve lost even just a tiny bit of weight, I feel as if I have won Olympic gold. I am tempted to check my weight everyday, its almost sickening.

Sometimes I’m not exactly sure what it is that I want to achieve with my body.

Do I want to be healthy? Yes.

Do I want to be thin? Yes.

Do I want to be disciplined in my eating and exercising? Definitely!

I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve any of this. I don’t know if I will have the thin and toned body that I crave and sometimes I’m not sure all this self-scrutiny and self-consciousness and even self- loathing that it causes, is even worth trying to get there.

I’ve always been insecure about my body; even when I was at my thinnest. It’s a constant battle every day with food and exercise. Exercising is easy but eating healthy is not. It’s a cliche but its true.

Today I had a salad for lunch; I was so proud of myself because I only had a banana and yoghurt for breakfast but after I had my salad, I had a chocolate muffin and I told myself, “ You deserve it because you’ve done so well today”. It didn’t feel good though.

I felt as if I had just cheated myself; took three steps back after taking two steps forward. It’s always like this for me.

I’m afraid I’m on the path to develop an unhealthy relationship with food and I don’t want that. I also don’t want to be a hypocrite or lie to myself.

I love eating and I love good food and I love take-out food every now and then. I don’t want to hate myself every time I indulge in something I enjoy but I also don’t want to live an unhealthy life.

So where do we find the balance?

It’s not enough to post a picture and put a hashtag in front of it; you need to really look at yourself in the mirror, every inch of your flawed body and love it fiercely.

Media puts so much pressure on people, especially women, to look a certain way and eat a certain way and I’m all for looking good and eating well but I don’t want to feel guilty when I’ve missed a workout or feel miserable when I’ve had chocolate.

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love the softness around my tummy and work my thick thighs. I don’t want to have to ask permission to be bigger than the girls I see on tv. I want to know that its normal and beautiful to be different.

We need to stop trying to be perfect. Perfect is boring. Being flawed is what makes life exciting!