Trust me, you should know your Attachment Type

Reading Jeb Kinnison’s book, I found out I was a bad boyfriend

flavim
flavim
Aug 9, 2017 · 4 min read

I came across Jeb Kinnison’s work by chance. The title of his book “Bad Boyfriends” got my attention and as soon as I started reading it on my kindle, I couldn’t stop. By the time I finished it, I realized I was a typical bad boyfriend. And I hated that.

His books explore the concepts behind the Attachment Theory, which is a psychological model that describe human behavior on relationships. According to him, how we treat others in close relationships depends heavily on how we developed as children. That notion makes perfect sense.

As children, we learn from our caregivers how to get our basic needs met through communication. Children who are met with responsive caregivers on a safe and warm environment are more likely to develop into secure adults.

On the other hand, kids that experience abuse, negligence or have their needs inconsistently met, develop different emotional responses in order to survive.

Hence, the emotional dynamic of the first years is carried to adulthood unconsciously. This factor is responsible for the different kinds of behavior humans present in intimate relations, resulting in four different Attachment Types.

Attachment Type, putting simply, is the combination of the self-esteem we have versus the value we give to intimate social interactions. When both aspects are viewed as positive, we have a Secure type of person: confident on expressing its emotions, empathetic, respectful to other people’s feelings, open to disclosure emotionally and not afraid of rejection.

The things is most people aren’t that secure. When your opinion on yourself is not that great or the tendency to be afraid/anxious about intimate interactions is present, you fall in the other three categories. They are the Dismissive-Avoidant, the Fearful-Avoidant and the Anxious-Preoccupied.

@MandyX

Guess what? I am a typical Dismissive Avoidant. This Attachment Type is normally related to the subconscious fear that caregivers were not reliable and that intimacy is a painful experience. These adults learned to never rely on caregivers, thus are rarely open to taking risks on intimate relationships. Inside their defensive shield of self-esteem, self-sufficiency is the most treasured aspect of the personality.

I was simply shocked by that description. Most of my mistakes in past relations were clearly described on the text. The Dismissive Avoidant often fails on recognizing the emotional impact of events before they happen, meanwhile expects relationships to follow idealistic expectations that are never corresponded.

The most scary part was that DA’s often limit their level of exposure to partners by manipulating responses… in a way that their needs are met, without compromising to the other person’s needs. Ouch!

So… if I am not a Secure type, that means I am fated to have exhausting and difficult relationships?

NO!

When you understand the Attachment Theory and your own faults, you just have to strive to become a more secure, reliable and clear partner. Everyone has its own emotional baggage, but if you can address your problems and is willing to work on yourself, you can change your behavior with support, therapy and self-observation.

Regarding the Dismissive Avoidants, Jeb Kinninson is clear that many of our bias against “codependent” relations are simply defenses to intimacy so we won’t feel threatened.

In my case, that made a lot of sense. I realized that many times I did not give the warm, lovable and secure response I could to other people’s need with that excuse of not wanting to feed a “codependency”. Yeah, that was total bullshit!

Also, I understood that I can never pretend again to go along someone’s program if I am not emotionally invested. The fact that I have tremendous difficulty on talking about my feelings is no excuse for not trying to be open, clear and straight on my communication.

I concluded that the fear of depending, trusting and opening to others is not justifiable for those who want to make love commitments. I am not saying that we can put all of our expectations on our partners, of course not. But the desire to have our adult needs met must be seen as totally normal. The thing is, we must learn how to communicate them clearly and be willing reciprocate our partner’s needs as well.

I can say that: I am not going to be a bad boyfriend again.

flavim

Written by

flavim

brazilian, taurus, INFJ. into Politics, Spirituality and Comics. working on a Novel.

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