Lover’s God
He moved with shameless wonder. Where did all the shame go? At some point in your life you feel that you’re free of a certain feeling or emotion, not because you choose to be free. Rather because you don’t feel it anymore. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel ashamed anymore.
He wonders. Will he see everything with new light, now that he’s free? Will he feel more loved by his lover? More contained? Will he feel better when he holds him? He will find out, very soon.
He’s still moving in his state of wonder. Life isn’t the same as it was yesterday, now that his pain was reduced to the size of his shame. The balance of power keeps shifting so much in his head that power lost its meaning.
He looks from a window and sees his parents fighting with gods. How could they be so loud? Can’t they see they’re blaming the gods for who he is? How he is? And the gods, as ever, condescending. No. I will not be a part of this, he thought to himself. He knew if he stayed, if he confronted them, they would all, gods and parents, shift the blame on him. And just like that, he was gone.
There was no curse. He woke up the next day and didn’t feel like god has cursed him. Rather than wake up, he rose from bed. He took off his clothes, looked at the mirror to find that for once, his body belonged to him. When he stopped thinking of the devil, he has set the devil free from the duty of corrupting him. When he ceased to think of punishment, he felt like he had been acquitted. “You’re free to go.” He almost heard it.
He suddenly realized he’s the only free version of himself. Other versions are trapped in his mind and his memories and he can do nothing for them. He can’t summon time back or tamper with it. So he became free but not omniscient. His human limitedness still messed with his brain. Yet he decided he shouldn’t relive his past and lament it and so, he looks forward.
He once felt that the mere act of looking at another man with love is a sin, a sexual act, perverse in nature. Now he gives him a kiss and feels its playful innocence in the air. It made sense now, everything his lover had said to him. He once felt like his lover lacked understanding. Turns out he is the one who lacked it. He isn’t godless, that lover of his, he just has a bigger god. And he thought to himself: I’m ready to embrace, not worship, but embrace that god.
Originally published at florabyrnes.wordpress.com on September 7, 2018.
