Imma need that time back.

My literal thoughts as I went through all the memories that have spanned this year. Do you ever look back and think “Wow, I really wasted my time with ‘that one’.” Yes, that person, S.O, ex-best friend, whatever they were to you. That hit me hard in my feelings realizing that the whole time I thought things were all right, things were really falling apart in front of me and I wasn’t even seeing it.

It’s sad when you look back and you have to question all the moments you shared with someone and you have to not psych yourself out believing those moments were all just a game. But, were they?

I like to think that sometimes things were genuine, but anytime I pull the memory back a followup memory ensues and then I remember correctly just how things were. A good moment instantly followed by one that was led to my detriment. Perhaps in that moment it was good, but it was short lived. You look back and realize you were either being used or taken advantage of, and anytime there was anything positive to take from it, it was shown to be something done so something would then be asked of you. I wonder why I didn’t see it before, why I got so swept away in trying to be that friend, that confidant, that person for someone else, when I should’ve been that person for me.

I let myself believe things were okay not because in my heart I thought they were, but because I was afraid of what it meant if I let go. I know what that means now, and the more I see it the more I want my time back.