A letter to the boy I never had.
To the first boy I came close to loving – you were a necessary cautionary tale.

I think what bothered me more than anything was the fact that I wasn’t even the second choice, I was just an option. I wasn’t even first runner up. Because even as a loser, I couldn’t be the best. I was simply just that; a loser… another option.
Sometimes I think about my parents, the people who love me the most, and wonder what they would think if they found out. These people think the world of me but to a lot of people, I became nothing more than someone who exist to serve their needs of boredom and company. I guess my parents can never find out.
I think part of it was me overcompensating for my deep rooted insecurities and low self esteem. Because if they need me, as long as they need me, they’ll keep me around. Surely. And I was so lonely, I so desperately needed someone, anyone, to want to keep me around.
So when you came by, with that cute smile and the cheeky wink, I fell hard and fast and bent over backwards to be liked.
It was complicated. (Isn’t it always?).
You had someone else already, you were in love and later I’ll figure out that you’re a coward but first, I was infatuated.
You were never going to be mine, I knew that. But you were kind, charming and most importantly you made me feel seen and wanted. (Don’t they always?)
Your skin was warm beneath my finger tips, like your eyes pretended to be. Your stories, though I knew were exaggerated and untrue, were funny and kept the lull at bay. I looked forward to seeing you. Our interactions were the highlight of my day, even just a moment, just a second. As I said, I fell hard and I fell fast, long before I was even willing to admit it.
So I threw caution into the wind and sank my teeth into “love” and acted surprised when it bit back.
I didn’t have to dig deep to know it wasn’t love. You love yourself and I wanted outside validation to fill the gap where self-love should be. I think at the end of the day we were just two lonely people pushing the boundaries to see how far away we could cross the line before it was no longer okay. Before we were no longer okay. Turns out mine was closer to the line than yours was.
I was always there when you wanted me to as if I had nothing better to do. As if you were the sun and I was just another planet revolving around you. Of course it was my fault. I welcomed the distraction from the dry contents of studying microbes; I welcomed you. But I shouldn’t have. Because I made you a priority while I became your entertainment.
You exploited the fact that I had feelings for you and honestly, that just makes you cruel. But you knew that and so did I. So that just made me stupid as if I couldn’t be more pathetic.
I remember asking for your help time and time again only to get turned down with pathetic excuses we both know were false. I was angry because I rearranged my plans to suit yours but one tiny favour and you don’t want to do it when you so willingly do so for your friends. I guess that’s not what you signed up for, I should have known. I just so desperately wanted to delude myself into thinking I meant something to you that it stung when reality slapped me in the face. But still I came back like a crack whore for cocaine.
I don’t know what it is about you that made me keep coming back. You were never the kindest to me after the initial get to know me phase. You made me feel less than. Always less than.
I confided in you with my mistakes, worries and somehow you turned it around as insults against me. It was like a bucket of ice water every time. But you were right, I am stupid. Not capable of making the right decisions. Because every time, I still go back to confiding in you. You had a hold over me I couldn’t shrug off.
When I changed, you berated me like a father with an out of control daughter. I guess you like the obedient type and you pegged me for the obedient type. Straying from that image made you spiteful for reasons I’ll never know. Our conversations exhausted me. It was no longer the highlight of my day. There were no jokes exchanged, just you trying to manage me, forcing me back to the girl you first met. The girl you wanted me to be.
We’ve spent two nights too many, drunk and with no inhibitions. It was our secret and I was your secret. Guilt itched beneath my skin because your girl, despite being in another country, didn’t deserve this. You’ll later tell me what I suspected already, you both were just placeholders for each other. Just waiting for the right people. Dispensable to each other. So when she did find someone else, she threw you away.
And there it was, staring me right in the face, blaring loudly like neon lights on the darkest night. The fact that I’ve known since meeting you, the fact that I chose to ignore. You never saw me as the person for you. You didn’t say it in so many words, but still, there it was.
Your admittance was sobering. I wasn’t good enough. I’m still not good enough. And eventually I’ll have to accept that I’ll never be good enough for you. Because the fact of the matter is, I will never be your first choice even if I was the only option left.
I want to be angry. I want to be sad. But honestly, I don’t know what or how to feel anymore. I just want to be done. And maybe that’s why I’m writing this… because I need to be done.
Genuinely though, I want to thank you. Your criticism, although unkind, were eye opening, motivating me to be better. You shared your warmth, even though you took more from me than what you cared to give. You paid attention even though you were always on your phone texting however many other girls were on your list. And even though you insulted almost everything about me that mattered, you complimented my face which was nice, really.
So, I wish you nothing but love and happiness. I hope sometimes you remember me because right now I don’t think I’ll ever forget you. But I guess our relationship was never fair and it wouldn’t be true to form if you did.
If there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you love yourself. And that’s great, you should! But you know what? I learnt to love myself too and I need to stop waiting for other people to make me their first choice when I can do that myself.
I guess I’ll just have to remember myself for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Florence
