You’re not as much of a joke thief as Amy Schumer. I can’t support joke thieves. She’s the new Carlos Mencia. I wanted to love her, but I will love you instead.

My girlfriend is convinced we should probably spirit you away to some Caribbean island where we can all live in polyamory forever. I would seriously consider kidnapping you, but I am suspicious that I might get left behind, so forget it.

Why am I writing anything before coffee? I should never, I ramble.