I overdosed this morning

I’m a mess. There’s no doubt about that. I’m in my mid thirties, working in the public sector and supposed to have grown up by now. But, I’m so bored, disenchanted, perhaps spoiled… Ok, spoiled. I’m not here to impress you. Quite opposite, I’m here to confess. I’m an addict. Drugs, sex, vulnerabilities, loneliness and insecurity… I’m a connoisseur.

I’ve tried almost everything: Rehab, religion, meditation, moderation, fighting, fucking and volunteering… nothing’s working. So, here I am. To record my mistakes, with the hope that you can mistake vicariously through me, thus saving yourself some time.

This morning I took too much.

I got some speed from a friend of mine. I was bored so I took some. It scared me. I recently overdosed after 30 hours of mainlining coke, meth and dilaudid. I won’t go into details, but it was horrifying (see: adrenergic storm). The speed somehow triggered that memory and I felt like I was about to kick the bucket. Only this time I was at home and in the company of my family.

The funny thing about a sense of impending death is that it has a way of zooming in on the important things in life. I was worried about my kid’s future. I wondered what my spouse would do without me. I was relieved to have quadrupled-down on my life insurance…

So, panicking, I chugged half a bottle of scotch, which worked to calm me down, but now I’m drunk and strung out… and it’s not even lunchtime.