A different take on self-harm…
My story with self-harm is probably very similar to many other sufferers out there who, in an attempt to feel anything other than mental torment, turn to self-injury…
It started when I was 16. I was frustrated, stuck in my own mind, lost. I needed some form of escape from the exclusive world inside my head, which noone else was invited to see. I used to dig my nails into my skin, recognising the physcial pain and, in a way, taking comfort from that. This was enough at first…
By 17, I’d started scratching my arms until they were red-raw. The distraction of a physical pain was something I starated to crave. But, like all addictions and cravings, after a while, you start to look to something else.
“Once self harm was a thought, it wouldn’t go away until it had become an action.”
Without saying too much, the next few years were a downward spiral in which self-harm consumed my thoughts and took its place on my body….
Now, at 21, I rarely resort to old habits, though I cannot say that the thoughts aren’t there, but rather they manifest themselves in a different way.
I thought I had recovered from self harm, until I realised…
- Every skipped meal, looking for that sense of hunger
- Every time I stood under a scorching hot shower until my skin was on fire
- Every time I said ‘no’ to going out with my friends, through fear of ‘getting in the way’
- Every time I worked myself that little bit harder at the gym, until my muscles were aching
Self-harm can be visible, but it can also be a hidden battle. Whilst my ways of dealing with the urges are ‘healthier’, I cannot say that I am yet, free of self-harm.
