Buttfumbleritis

Whoopsie-daisy. Okay, so Footyballs whiffed with that Eagles-over-Cowboys pick. But how was I supposed to know that the Eaglets would suddenly become historically god-awful? Coach Kelly’s offense looked like a bunch of buffalo chips on Sunday. Philly ran the ball 17 times, for a grand total of 7 yards. That’s not a typo. Troy Aikman at one point in the second half sort of stopped himself, mid-commentary, and said quietly, “This is one of the most terrible football games I’ve ever watched.” He sounded very disappointed, almost hurt; Footyballs can picture him showering afterwards, scrubbing and scrubbing himself, trying to get rid of that feeling of filth. And no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with imagining Troy Aikman taking a shower. C’mon, try it, I’m sure he’s very conscientious and thorough, Troy could probably teach you a thing or two about getting to those hard-to-reach spots. Actually, I’ll bet this time he went for the bubble-bath; y’know, lit some candles, played his “Rainforest Sounds” cd, went to his happy place. Or maybe he just watched this a few times, always works as a mood-lifter for me:

Ah, hahahha, oh man. Never fails. Maybe that’s the Eaglets problem, the taint of the buttfumble (pun intended!) sitting there on the bench, giving the whole team a dirty sanchez. Not even the entrance of Brandon Weeden into the game could tilt things Philly’s way, and that’s saying something. There’s a noticeable feeling of disenchantment around Chip Kelly these days; did you notice how the broadcast spent a lot of time following the mediocre movements of Byron Maxwell, he of the offseason mega-contract? Like, highlighting the badness of that deal, and implicitly throwing shade on Kelly at the same time. The Chipper has spent a fair amount of time dismissively poo-pooing a lot of Niffle standards since he came into the league, and people seem ready to poo-poo back, at this point. We’ll see, I mean it’s only week 2. But Footyballs agrees with The Aik-man, for sure, that was a terrible, unpleasant-to-watch product that the Eaglets offense put onto the field on Sunday.

Anyways, that was my first strikeout. My second was Niners-over-Steelers. Which, okay, Footyballs is still getting back into the swing of things, I held out instead of attending training camp and so I’m not in game-shape yet. Meaning, in one of my picks, I cited need-to-win and home-field advantage; and then in picking Niners over Steelers, completely ignored that same situation. Footyballs didn’t expect Big Ben to explode with fireworks like that, for sure; but still, even so, I watched that game and thought to myself, “yeah, that was a dumb pick.” The Steelers were pretty schizo last year, but not shitty, and there’s a clear difference between those two categories. And believing in the Niners and Jim Tomsula, after one game, was, well, dumb. Whatever, it’s week 2. Give Footyballs a break.

Finally though, in my third at-bat I smacked a double into the gap in left-center, with Vikings-over-Lions; came into second base standing up, jersey still nice and clean. I expected All Day to dominate against the de-fanged Lions d-line, and he pretty much did exactly that. Teddy B made several nice plays as well, scrambling and dodging traffic with a nifty little hesitation juke-move to secure a first and goal at the one on the game-sealing drive. He looks composed and steady out there, and with All Day keeping defenses honest all year, I still like my early pick for Vikings-as-wild-card. Go Minnesota go! You have lots of lakes!

That’s Jacksonville as we’ve come to know them. Cute, sweet, harmless. A team you wanted to just pick up and cuddle. But yesterday they looked more like this:

Right? I mean c’mon, I’m not going to post a picture of a full-size jaguar yet. They beat Miami, whoop-dee-doo. The Dolphins are not good, history tells you that the team that gives a bazillion dollars to the ferocious interior lineman with obvious personal problems is not the team for whom things go well. But Jacksonville won a game, which is worthy of posting a couple pictures of cute baby jaguars. Bortles was full of chortles after the game, saying “It’s great to win and be able to laugh and be full of chortles.” Yes, he really said that. Seriously, I swear. No I’m not crossing my fingers behind my back. Seriously.

In other news, if you were still on the Saints bandwagon, it’s probably time to get off. Breaking news: you have to have good players to have a good football team. Maybe the Bucs aren’t ultra-shitty anymore, sure, anything’s possible. But still, the Saints just lost a home game in the division — badly, really, score was 23–7 entering the 4th quarter — and the Falcons are 2–0 and definitely looking revived, and the Panthers are 2–0 and pretty much the same team that was in the playoffs last year. If you want to put money on Rob Ryan getting fired before the season’s over, Footyballs says go right ahead. Other bets I would make at this point: the Raiders will win 5 or more games, the Texans will finish last in the AFC South, and the Bengals will finish first in the AFC North, and win a playoff game. What? But doesn’t Andy Dalton suck rocks? Well, yes and no. Andy Dalton sucks rocks if you’re depending on him to make special plays. But if he has good players around him, he is totally competent. Tyler Eifert is the difference-maker, having a weapon at tight-end. It’s that one extra-something that will put the Bengals over the top. That, plus the return of Geno Atkins on defense. Remember Geno Atkins? Well, he’s back, and he’s ready to kick your ass.

So yeah, that’s your week 2 nutshell. Still early, and who knows anything, but I think there’s going to be some fun shifting in the middle, if not the top, of the Niffle hierarchy this year. Stay Niffle-tuned, faithful followers. Footyballs out.