Four For Friday: Week Twelve Days of Xmas
Week twelve? Is it already week 12? When did that happen? By the way, Thanksgiving also happened.
Mm, turkey. Footyballs likey turkey. And mashed taters, and stuffing. And gravy over everything. Did you ever see that SNL commercial for crystal gravy, playing off of crystal pepsi? It was like, Will Ferrell pouring a clear thick liquid all over his face, pretty much. For awhile that was SNL’s hole-ace: “Let’s pour something gross over Will’s face.” Too bad about crystal pepsi. Footyballs liked it. It was like pepsi, but clear. Alas, it was ahead of its time. Burger King had that awful Halloween burger that apparently turned your poop green. What would’ve gone better with that than crystal pepsi? Nothing, obviously. Here are some varieties of crystal pepsi, standing tall.
Footyballs watched the football on Turkey Day, aka Turkey-Football Day. You might recall that in the last couple weeks I called the Bears a team to watch, and you might also recall that was before they beat the Cheesepeople in Lambeau. Which proves I am a genius, as Einstein used to say to me. Specifically he would say: “Footyballs, you’re a genius.” That was after I suggested he change the “D” to an “E”, in E=MC(squared). Here’s a pic that I took of him writing it on the chalkboard after I made my suggestion.
See? Maybe you thought that wasn’t a true story, about me suggesting he change the “D” to an “E” but otherwise how would I have that picture? Anyways, good job Bears. Bad job Eagles, man how did they let Detroit score 45? Seems like the wheels are coming off in Philly. It’s like they’re cursed by a terrible event that happened in the past on another team, like some horrible, unimaginably terrible event like, say, a buttfumble, has somehow come to curse their team, even though it happened to the Jets. “The Curse of the Buttfumble reigns over all,” is another thing Einstein used to say to me back when we used to hang out. And he was right.
Also the Boycows are like a whole team that is a buttfumble. Jerry Jones is like a buttfumble that walks and says things and has his son-in-law clean his glasses. Footyballs almost feels sorry for him and Romy Tono and the whole Boycows team and the entire city of Dallas. But not really. If I’m going to bother feeling sorry for a professional football team, it’s not going to be for the Dallas Cowboys. America’s Team, pfffft. America’s Turd, more like it. Haha, nailed them. Good job, me. On to this week’s picks!
**Seahawks vs. Steelers** (CenturyLink Field)
Holy crap, right? That’s an actual steeler. In Germany, I think. Weird that like, IT-guy is a job, or consultant is a job, and being a steeler is also a job. Not to get into class politics or whatever, but based on that photo, doesn’t it seem like being a steeler should be the higher-paid job? Like, waaaay higher? Based on the photo, it seems like being a steeler should be Gandalf-level on the pay scale. Moving on, it also seems like the Steelers should have a player whose nickname is Parliament. It should probably be Antonio Brown. So that way — if I have to spell it out for you — the announcer can say: “Big Ben to Parliament, touchdown!” DeAngelo Williams could be called Buckingham Palace. Ok, I’ll stop there. This season, it seems like Le Hawks of the Sea were running down the street chasing after another S-Bowl, and someone threw skittles all over the street to make them slip and stumble and fall down. Meanwhile, Footyballs thinks Roethlisberger — pronounced “Roth-lee-ber-zhay” — has suffered enough bodily injuries, finally, to overcome his latent karma problems (see: bar-bathroom south Georgia). Steelers 34, Seahawks 24.
**Colts vs. Buccaneers** (LucasOil Stadium)
Avast! Scurvy! Lubber! I believe that’s supposed to be a hot pirate lady, though I’m not sure if she is is wearing thigh-high boots or has very severely sunburned legs. Hey, did you notice Tampa Bay is 5–5? No, seriously. I know, it surprised me too. Not sure what it means. Maybe Footyballs can’t call them the Succaneers anymore. Meanwhile, the Colts. Hasn’t their season been on life-support for like, the whole season? It seems like they will lose to Tampa. Don’t ask me to back that up with stats, or something resembling an explanation. But Footyballs thinks Tampa is going to board Indy’s ship and plunder it and then set it on fire. Avast! Lubber, scurvy! Lubber-Scurvy! Bucs 30, Colts 20.
**Chiefs vs. Bills**
Get it? A picture of a bill, for the Bills? Like Einstein said, Footyballs is a genius. G-Dub has a pretty stern stare in that engraving, doesn’t he. He’s saying “C’mon, Chiefs and Bills. You’re both 5–5, which is just average. Get it together already.” Not totally sure why I’m picking the Bills. They’re missing two pro-bowlers on that d-line this week. And Tyrod probably has a hurty shoulder. But Footyballs isn’t impressed by the Chiefs’ two recent impressive victories. The Broncos game, meh, that was a Peyton Manning 4-pick, career-ending-of-a-legend-maybe-probably anomaly. And the Chargers, c’mon, they have like two non-injured offensive linemen. Whatever, Chiefies. You let Footyballs down last year when I tried to get on your playoff-train. So I’m voting Bills. Big-plays from Shady and Sammy. Bills 22, Chiefies 19.
**Broncos vs. Patriots** (Sports Authority Field at Mile High)
People are weird. “That horse really doesn’t want me to ride it, so I’m going to ride it, even though it will jump around like crazy. You should all come watch.” Normally Footyballs stays away from Bronkatonics games, as far as predicting goes, because Bronco-love obscures my normally sweet vision. But I’m making an exception this week. I thought Osweiler looked, well, actually pretty good. Just carried himself like he had been a starting Niffle quab for a long time, as opposed to for just one game. And that victory over the Bears — at Soldier Field — looks a lot better after Chicaggy’s win in Lambeau this week. Aaron Rodgers threw one td against the Bears, Brock threw two. As for the Patriots, they’re ailing and vulnerable. Yeah, I know, Belichick and all the things he has up his sleeves, and Tom Brady is full of revenge-lust, and yadda yadda yadda, yes it’s all true. You know who typically plays well against the Patriots? Von Miller. The Vonster is hungry for Patriot-meat. A delicious Brady-burger. Plus, this game is in Denver. And teams don’t go undefeated very often, it’s just not a thing that’s very common. Broncos 26, Patriots 18. Have a great Football Day, everybody.