Week Four
Week four is over, the first quarter(ish) of the season is over. Time flies when you’re having football. What crazy shit happened this week? Well, just last night, Giants QB Daniel Jones got bullied for 11 sacks and 2 fumbles. The Jags and Falcons played in London and the NFL did some really strange but also oddly cool Toy Story bullshit, live-rendered probably with some kind of AI. The tank bowl between the winless Bears and Broncos started with the Bears destroying the hapless Broncos in the first half and then shidding and farding the game away to lose to the Broncos 31–28, leaving both fanbases in complete ruins. The Cowboys woodshedded the Patriots 38–3, leaving significant questions about how long Patriots coach Bill Belichick can keep his job, even if he is the greatest coach of all time. But let’s get to the specifics.
Bartleby
Detroit Lions 34, Green Bay Packers 20: This score is not indicative of how badly the Packers got whipped. This game was completely over at halftime with the Lions up 27–3. There has been a trend of the Packers defense getting steamrolled, and it happened yet again. In this game the Lions rushed for 211 yards, 13 first downs, and 3 touchdowns. Add to this stat line that Jordan Love was horrible, going 23/36 for 246 yards, a TD and 2 picks. He also took 5 sacks, and if you count the sack yardage as part of Love’s stat line, he threw for only 203 yards. It’s not good enough. I don’t care if he throws a good ball once every 16 attempts. That is also not good enough.
This is now two weeks in a row that the Packers failed to appear on the field for the first 30 minutes of the game. This much-ballyhooed Matt LaFleur offense has been virtually non-existent since week one, scoring a high of 24 points against the Falcons, passing for a high of 259 yards against the Saints, and having one victory against a Bears team that is searching for new barrels in which to find a new, even lower bottom. Matt is mad. He has Sanpaku eyes. His quarterback sucks. And I think that video is the first evidence that Matt blamed Aaron Rodgers for things more than he ever let on publicly.
As a small aside, if you want some real knowledge of football and analysis of Jordan Love’s play, check out The QB School. It’s also a nice reminder that the only difference between Autism and Insight is the label put on the creator.
Packers record: 2–2
Me
Miami Dolphins 20, Buffalo Bills 48: MMMMMMMMMMM
Bills record 3–1
Sig
Baltimore Ravens 28, Cleveland Browns 3: Browns QB Deshawn Watson was ruled out of this game like an hour before kickoff with a shoulder injury, which was a surprise. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. It just went downhill from there. The Browns backup QB is rookie Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and he didn’t play well. The Ravens stomped the Browns, but that’s not really a surprise given the circumstances. It was known that Watson had a shoulder injury this week, but it wasn’t expected to keep him out of the game until warmups. This could be the kind of thing to linger. Also in Browns injury news, Tight End David Njoku was questionable for this game because he fucking set himself on fire at home. Ultimately Njoku played, but don’t do that, Dave. The Browns defense still played well, but its hard to keep the score down when your offense is non-existent. Hard to take much from this game.
Browns record: 2–2
Jay
Los Angeles Rams 29, Indianapolis Colts 23 (OT): Overtime game! Anthony Richardson is back baby, and he played like a rookie for the most part, 11/25 for 200 yards and 2 TDs isn’t bad but it isn’t great. However, Richardson did take advantage of nearly all the opportunities he had at the end of the game, tying the game in the 4th quarter and nearly winning it right at the bell. But, he threw three straight incompletions, the game went to OT, and Rams QB Matt Stafford fought through injury to clutch the victory as he has done so many times in the past. This is all I want to see from Richardson. Decent play, close games, and development. Remember, Richardson has played, like, zero football in his life. This is pretty good in that context! His play just can’t stay at this level throughout the season, he’s gotta get better.
Colts record: 2–2
Penny
Las Vegas Raiders 17, Los Angeles Chargers 24: Second win in a row for the Chargers. Are we on a Chargersian upswing so our hopes can get brutally demolished ever harder? Yes. But for now, let us just enjoy the W. Justin Herbert didn’t play that well in this game. He actually had his worst statistical game since entering the league with career lows in yardage, completions, and attempts. But he also probably broke a finger on his non-throwing hand after getting it caught in a helmet (no good video available), and took this monster of an illegal shot from former Chargers D Lineman Jerry Tillery. Just listen to the Chargers radio broadcast eviscerate the guy.
The Chargers Defense played pretty well even though they had some key players out, and the Handsomest Boy QB Jimmy G was out for the Raiders, so I feel like that kinda evens the injury playing field to make this a pretty okay win for the Chargers. Things are looking up! Surely nothing bad can happen from this point forward! Smooooooooth sailing ahead!
UPDATE: I FUCKING FORGOT. Brandon Staley went for a fourth and short to end the game deep in his own territory. AGAIN. And FAILED to get it AGAIN. And the entire game depended on a defensive stop. AGAIN. And the Chargers happened to get it. AGAIN. Decision making like this isn’t so much Russian Roulette as it is playing Skip-it with a landmine. There’s absolutely no way you won’t get blown to hell the second you aren’t lucky.
Chargers Record: 2–2
Cheesy
Pittsburgh Steelers 6, Houston Texans 30: What I won’t say is that I’m glad Kenny Pickett got hurt. Because that’s mean. But what I will say is I don’t think the Steelers look much worse when infamous bum Mitchell Trubisky is their QB. Yes they are WORSE but not THAT MUCH worse. And who the fuck would choose to be called “Mitchell” anyways? Ohhh Miiitchelllll. Pickett seems to have avoided major knee injury, escaping with a bone bruise, which sounds like the kind of thing you’d gladly acquire an opioid addiction to manage.
Apparently, Steelers OC Matt Canada told the CBS broadcasting crew in an interview before the game that their offense isn’t built to come back from being behind in a game. Beware, the audio from that link was recorded on a potato under the sea. But the Steelers have big play threats all over. And if your offense can’t get you out of a hole, then do you really have an offense at all? Mike Tomlin is getting mad, saying that changes need to be made and they aren’t going to keep doing the same things. Foreshadowing. It also seems that Matt Canada is such a broken man that he’s making burner Twitter accounts to defend his playcalling/throw dirt on Kenny Pickett’s very obvious grave. That’s pretty funny! Days of Our Steelers confirmed for season 2?
The real story of this game is that Houston Texans rookie QB CJ Stroud is playing like a star, but you didn’t get the Texans, so…
Steelers Record: 2–2
Hoovy
Kansas City Chiefs 23, New York Jets 20: This one hurts. Aaron Rodgers would have won this game. Zach Wilson had moments! GOOD moments! He also maybe probably gave the game away by fumbling a snap on the Jets last drive. BUT, and this is a big one, Wilson actually took accountability for fucking the dog on this one. Oh shit. Speaking of Isabelle, that’s it isn’t it. He’s been listening to Jordan Peterson tapes. He cleaned his room. His penis is washed and brushed. The Jets also got utterly hosed by what I see as a ridiculous defensive holding call that sent Robert Saleh to the fucking moon. I would have been furious too, that’s just a bad call.
But at this point, we might have to chalk this up to good play by Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. He gets this call so often that I think he might have found out how to get it with decent regularity. If you throw a ball to a receiver who is handfighting aggressively with a DB, and they can’t get to it, it kinda seems more likely that officials will throw a flag late in close games. God damn look at that replay, what where the refs thinking? Basically if you can’t do that as a DB, you can’t do a thing and you gotta remove the position from the game.
Tough fucking loss. I want to habeeb that Zach Wilson will play well ever again. We’ll have to find out.
Jets record: 1–3
Fluster
Arizona Cardinals 16, San Francisco 49ers 35: Another week, another easy win. 9ers RB Christian McCaffery scored four TDs in this game. He has scored at least once in 13 consecutive games, breaking a record set by legend Jerry Rice, who some consider to be the best player to ever play football. I believe that a 14th straight game would be an all-time NFL scoring record. That’s it, see ya next week. Cowboys coming up next.
49ers Record: 4–0
Rich
Washington Commanders 31, Philadelphia Eagles 34 (OT): Another OT game, but this one was a thriller. The NFC East is known for having the teams in that division play each other very closely, and this was one of those. Jalen Hurts was fantastic, Eagles WR AJ Brown was dominant, and somehow the Commanders kept pace, scoring the tying TD and extra point as time expired in the 4th quarter. The Commanders got the ball first in OT, didn’t go anywhere with it, and then the Eagles got the ball back, did some buttplay, and kicked a 54 yard field goal to get the win. Good game. Good times.
A lot of people are mad at that last play. That’s fine. I haven’t mentioned it here because I expected it to go away but a lot of people are mad in general at the Eagles for running that play above. It has a lot of names. The rugby push, the tush push, the brotherly shove. It’s just a short conversion play that isn’t illegal but is unconventional, and is really hard to stop because the Eagles have a good offensive line. Apparently we have to talk about this because people don’t like losing. But if you don’t want the Eagles to run this play, then stop them. It’s that simple.
