Helpful Things That I Can Do When It Suits Me But Generally Would Rather Not: A Price List

Hello, friend / non-immediate family member / colleague!

If you’re reading this, we’re close enough that you feel comfortable asking me for favours. What you may or may not know is that I am constitutionally unable to say no when asked for help, especially when the required help involves something I’m good at. I will absolutely help you! And I am genuinely happy to help — that’s not a lie! But I also might hate it! And that’s okay — I know it’s my problem, not yours! The actual helping is something I enjoy, but the specific action often sucks. You know this, of course, because you are not stupid, but I am well aware that the perceived level of suckiness of each action is entirely subjective, so…I’m here to help. See what I did there?

This list is an informative tool to help you understand exactly how much I will hate doing the favour in question, accompanied by the compensation I will require in order not to vaguely resent you afterwards. Basic gratitude is a given, because you are not an asshole. These requirements are more nuanced, and if you fulfill them, I will be much more likely to help you again in the future.* This venture, you see, benefits everyone!

*Who are we kidding — I will definitely help you again either way. But this way I’ll be happier about it, and I’m sure that’s important to you.

(1) EDITING SERVICES

One Coffee

  • Proofreading or editing your essay / cover letter / other document when it’s finished and well written, but just needs a once-over. This is easy. The coffee might even be optional if the document is less than 1500 words.

One Glass of Wine (Maybe Two)

  • Proofreading or editing your essay / cover letter / other document when it is roooooough, man, but you know it is rough.

One Bottle of Wine

  • Proofreading or editing your essay / cover letter / other document when it is roooooough, man, and you do not know that it is rough. Trying to be diplomatic and thereby avoid alienating you forever is really hard. Payment is required in advance.

(2) EVENT PLANNING

A Charming Personalised Gift + Many Compliments

  • Bridesmaiding. (But if I hate the dress and/or shoes, I’m going to bitch about you to other people. This cannot be avoided. Actually I am almost certain to bitch about you at some point regardless of wardrobe. Sorry.)

Gratitude Only (But Likely a Lot of It)

  • Hen’s nights, baby showers, and other outdated women-only rituals when you are the guest of honour, I am one of at least two organisers, and you are a very close friend. (I’m still going to hate it on some level but asking for compensation does not feel classy in this situation.)

Several Glasses of Wine at the Event in Question

  • Hen’s nights, baby showers, and other outdated women-only rituals wherein I am expected to organise games, because they are all terrible and make me hate the world and I promise I will be more entertaining when I’m drunk.

(3) MOVING AND CONSTRUCTION SERVICES

One Bottle of Beer Per Every Two Hours of Work + Lunch/Dinner On the Day

  • Lifting and carrying boxes
  • Packing and unpacking cars / trucks
  • Constructing IKEA furniture
  • Constructing BBQs

Note: This price applies if and only if you have also provided all the necessary tools, instructions, space, time, and respect for my superior knowledge.

One Bottle of Beer Per Every Two Hours of Work + Lunch/Dinner On the Day + A Bottle of Wine Afterwards

  • Any of the above when the specified conditions are not met
  • Any of the above where mansplaining emanates from anyone present
  • Any unexpected additions to the above such as packing or unpacking actual boxes (unless notified ahead of time), because packing and unpacking your personal belongings is weird and is not part of the standard ‘helping you move’ favour, especially when you don’t have a decent tape dispenser or Sharpie, and even more especially when you’re not even labelling the fucking boxes, I mean my God what are you thinking, actually no amount of wine will entirely make up for this and I’m still upset about the last time it happened so let’s not talk about it

Thank you for your attention, friend! I look forward to providing you with warm conditional help in the near future.

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