Confessions of an Enneagram 2
It’s hard for me sometimes, but you’d probably never know it. That’s because I’m not here for me…I’m here for you. What do you need? Can I serve you? Do you want fries with that?
I’m an Enneagram 2. But that’s not important. What are you? How can I help? Are you cold? Let me get you a blanket. I bet some cookies would make you feel good.
Cookies make me feel good, but not when I eat them. I feel good when you eat cookies…unless you don’t like them. Then I feel worse. I’m tired, but you must be more tired than I am. Put up your feet. What can I get you. I’m like a bartender without a paycheck. I’m here to serve you.
Honestly, I’m quite tired. But I can’t slow down. There’s too much to do. Too many dishes. Too many unmade beds. Too many things you might need or want or enjoy. But I’m tired. And I don’t understand why you won’t do these same things for me, even though I tell you not to. It’s a complicated place, inside my heart. I love so intensely, but when I can’t serve you, I only feel empty.
I can’t slow down because if I do, I might have to face the fact that without you, there is no me. Without a person to serve, a person to love, a person to thank me, I don’t know who I really am. If I slow down, I won’t be able to keep ahead of you in my little game of out-serving you. I am who you say I am, so I’ve got to keep loving you better every day. I’m tired, but I’ll never tell you.
Dear God, if only I could stop this. If only I could know that you love me, but not for how much or well I love others. I wish I knew if I had done enough for your approval. If only I could know who I am, but not based on how others see me. If only I could rest.
“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
Oh, you have loved me before I loved? You mean to tell me that my worth isn’t based on how much I can serve others? You mean I don’t have to run this rat-race? You mean I don’t have to keep score and stay ahead of others in my little game?
“Peter said to him, ‘You shall never wash my feet.’ Jesus answered him, ‘If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.’” (John 13:8)
You mean I must let you serve me? Not me serve you? Oh Lord, wash me! Let me put down my rags right now.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
You mean that it’s okay for me to be needy? You mean I can rest? You mean I can slow down and be loved? You mean that I am loved in my weakness?
This is good news. Such good news to my tired bones. If I am already loved by you, Lord, I can love others without needing their gratitude, without needing their praise, and without needing their needing me! I can live with a firm grasp of who I am! I can finally be free! I can finally be me!