Frank makes fire. In your mouth.

A curry recipe to blow your tiny mind.

When I go for a curry, I wan’t to be blow away — literally. I want to put something inside me so hot that I might die. That said, It had also better taste damn good. With me, there really is only one choice; the mighty Vindaloo.

Unfortunately, my measly-ass salary barely allows me to buy toilet paper, let alone curries, so I’ve put all my culinary cunning into making my own. Below, my friends, is the single best Vindaloo recipe I’ve ever had the pleasure of calling my own. If you’re wondering why there’s no meat, it’s because old Franky boy is a veggie. That’s right, laugh all you want. Your girlfriend thinks it’s cool…

This recipe is quick, simple and un-fuck-upable and FYI, if you’re anything like me, (obviously I go for the 8 chillis, because I’m a boss) prep a sweat towel for dinner, and ice-cream for dessert.

Now go little one! Go and Frolic in the cookroom.

Franks Vegan Vindaloo & Peshwari Flatbread.

Ingredients

1 tablespoon Cumin

1 tablespoon Turmeric

2 tablespoons of all purpose curry powder, or Garam Masala

¼ cup fresh coriander

1 tbsp English Mustard

3 tablespoons Tomato Puree

1.5 cups of Veg stock

1 White onion

1 Red Onion

3 cloves of garlic

1 medium potato

2 medium tomatoes

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon pepper

4 green finger chillis if you want a regular Vindaloo or double this for a hot one! Keep adding them if you’re mental!

1 tablespoon of oil

2 cups of basmati rice

Selection of veggies (I’ve used peas, peppers and sweetcorn)

For the flatbread:

3 cups of white flour

3 tablespoons of olive oil

1 teaspoon of salt

2 teaspoons of chilli flakes

½ a cup of almonds

2 tablespoons of golden syrup / maple syrup

Vindaloo Method

Heat the oil in a non-stick pan. Chop both onions and the three garlic cloves, then add them to the pan. Cook on a medium heat until the onions become translucent — be careful not to burn the garlic!

While the onions are cooking, put all the other ingredients (except the potatoes, tomatoes and rice) into a food processor and chug your first glass of wine. Once the onions are done, chuck them into the pot and whizz the shit out of it — once you’re finished it should look something like, well, Vindaloo sauce. At this point, I recommend dipping a cheeky finger into the mix and testing the heat — not hot enough? Get 4 more chillis, throw them in and mix some more. Too hot? Tough, no going back now!

Once you’re satisfied with how it looks, pour into a pan and simmer. After about 10 minutes, chop the tomatoes into quarters and add them to the mix along with your choice of veg. Now simmer that bad boy until the sauce thickens up! While it’s cooking, chop the potatoes from earlier into 4 large pieces and boil them until soft before adding them to the mix. This whole shindig should take about 25 mins, unless of course you completely fucked something up, in which case, you’re on your own. Time to chug the rest of the wine and prepare for the burn.

Flatbread Method

Mix the flour, salt and chilli flakes in a bowl. Pour in the olive oil and stir until mixture is fully incorporated. Kneed for a minute or so, then pour onto a heavily floured surface. Separate into 4 to 6 balls (ha, balls). Roll each ball (stop it now) into a flat, pancake looking thing.

Oh, sh*t. Before all of this, you should have ground the almonds in your food processor, and mixed it with the golden syrup to create a paste. My bad. Good thing you fully read through the method beforehand, right?!

Spread this paste on one side of your pancake thing, and fold in half to create a sort of sweet almost sandwich. Now heat a non-stick pan, pour in a tablespoon of vegetable oil and chuck your creation in to cook. It takes about a minute to cook each side, and about a minute and 10 seconds to burn it.

Careful now, if you fuck this up you’ve ruined everything and are destined to live a life of sexless misery.

SHIT. I meant to tell you to put the rice on — about 15 minutes ago to be precise — and you’ve been checking the Vindaloo mixture, right? Good.

Fuck-up averted, you should now have:

  1. Fluffy, cooked, albeit a little late to the party, rice.

2. Hot as hell, hopefully not burnt, Vindaloo

3. Sweet, perfectly cooked, possibly burnt peshwari flatbread.

At least a glass of wine left — sip it down, you deserve it!

You did it big guy, you’re my fucking hero.

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