How the PM stole Productivity
An non-rhyming adaptation from a Dr. Seuss’ poem
Every Dev down in Dev Department liked coding a lot…
But the PM, whose desk is just north of Dev Department, did NOT!
The PM hated Devs! The whole Dev spirit!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, his brain or his shoes,
He stood there next to the Coffee Machine, hating the Devs,
Staring down from his desk with a sour, PM-y frown,
At the warm lighted computers below in their town.
For he knew every Dev down in Dev Department beneath,
Was busy now, finishing their task.
“And they’re compiling their code!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is another coding day! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his PM fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop coding from continuing!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Dev girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their computers!
And then! Oh, the typing! Oh, the typing!
TYPING! TYPING! TYPING!
That’s one thing he hated! The TYPING!
TYPING! TYPING! TYPING!
Then the Devs, young and old, would open their programs.
And they’d code! And they’d code! And they’d code!
CODE! CODE! CODE!
They would code on frontend, and complicated backend.
Which was something the PM couldn’t stand in the least!
And THEN They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Dev down in Dev Department, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with software projected on the meeting room.
They’d stand shoulder-to-shoulder. And the Devs would start discussing!
They’d discuss! And they’d discuss! And they’d DISCUSS!
DISCUSS! DISCUSS! DISCUSS!
And the more the PM thought of this DEV meeting,
The more the PM thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for three years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this productivity from continuing! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE PM GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The PM laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Agile Trainer hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great PM-y trick!”
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like an Agile Trainer!”
“All I need is an assistant…” The PM looked around.
But, since efficient people are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old PM? No! The PM simply said,
“If I can’t find an assistant, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his pawn, Max. Then he took some notebooks,
And he tied a big pencil on his hand.
THEN He loaded some books and some old Powerpoint presentations,
On a USB and he hitched up old Max.
Then the PM said, “Giddap!” And started walking,
Toward the computers where the Devs code at their desks.
All their computers were busy. Quiet concentration filled the air.
All the Devs were all coding sweet software without care.
When he called for an meeting on the department.
“It’s time to be more productive,” the old PM-y Agile Trainer hissed,
And he walked up to the Devs, Agile books in hand.
Then he opened it and made a rather weak pitch.
But, if an Agile Trainer could do it, then so could the PM.
He got confused only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck continued explaining how to do Agile.
Next to the white boards that all hung in a row.
“The innovation talks,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took everyone’s motivation!
Time for research! And planning time! Bug fixing time!
Cooperation! Understanding! And Humanity!
And he took them all. Then the PM, very proudly,
Ended the meeting and sat at his desk,
While the Devs fixed problems that never existed.