How to Love a Girl who has Borderline Personality Disorder

I write this for the person, whether you are the boyfriend, girlfriend, parent, child, friend, whomever, of the girl with borderline personality disorder. I’m well aware of the other articles that you’ll find on this subject. You’ll be told to run from us, never trust us, and to not believe a word that comes out of our mouths, especially because of the harsh reality of what it’s like to love a girl with borderline personality disorder.
But, if you made it this far, to this post, and you’re continuing to read, there is a part of you that still believes there is someone kind, gentle, and worthy of loving, within the girl with borderline personality disorder.
WE CANNOT BE CHALKED UP TO OUR DIAGNOSIS. WE ARE HUMAN TOO.
And I think that people tend to forget that about us. I often hide away from posts that talk about the dramatic, abusive woman, because whether or not she is clinically diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, someone will comment and accuse her of having the disorder.
I want to say foremost… borderline personality disorder does not make us terrible, horrific, sick individuals.
Have there been abusive moms who were later diagnosed with BPD? Absolutely.
Have there been abusive wives, girlfriends, daughters, and friends who were then found out to have BPD? Of course.
But we are not her.
We are our own human beings.
We may share a diagnosis, just as we might share the fact that we have brown eyes or an allergy to peanuts, but it does not make us the same as her.
So please, if you love a girl with borderline personality disorder, stop reading the horror stories from other people and start listening to the story of the girl that you care for.
Some girls with borderline personality disorder will throw things at you. Scream at you. Call you the worst names that you could never imagine saying to someone else.
Yes, in those situations, you need to get help.
And she, she needs to get help.
Note: If you’re in imminent danger call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1–800–799–7233
I want to make it clear that if you are in an abusive relationship with a girl diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, it is worth walking away and taking care of yourself first.
(And if she is not diagnosed, you are doing her and all of us a great disservice by self-diagnosing her.)
You can’t save her. Don’t put yourself in danger to be the knight in shining armor.
Encourage her to seek help. Go with her to get help. But don’t stick around to try to save her. Sometimes, we need to be given firm boundaries, or we will continue to lash out.
AND THEN THERE’S THE GIRL WHO TURNS HER DESTRUCTION INWARDS
The quiet borderline girl. She’s the one that responds to turmoil by taking a razor to her skin. Drugs. Sex with strangers. Living life fast and destroying herself in her wake.
She might not lash out at you and physically abuse you, but she will sure as hell do it to herself.
Because she feels like she’s not worth it. There’s a voice inside of her head telling her to hurt herself. That she’s nothing and everyone that loves her truly feels like she is a burden.
She needs help, too.
And she also needs you to be patient enough to allow her to make the decision on her own. She needs you to be gracious enough to let her know gently, that you are worried about her and you’d even go with her to get help, but this endless spiral of self-destruction needs to stop.
Sometimes, you might have to leave her. She’ll blame herself, but hopefully, one day she sees that no one was able to help her because she never wanted to help herself. And hopefully one day she makes that conscious decision that enough is enough.
THE GIRL WHO IS OUTWARDLY STRONG BUT FALLS APART INSIDE
Yes, we come in these flavors too.
You know, the girl who is so charismatic on the outside. The life of the party. Always making other people smile.
And beneath her clothes, she hides her cuts and burns… all the way she tortures herself in secret.
Despite her confident, extroverted exterior, she, too, needs help. She needs to be told that it’s okay to fall apart. And when she does, she needs you to keep her secrets. Don’t gossip about her. Don’t go on social media and post pictures of her falling apart. Don’t brag to everyone about what a knight in shining armor you are that you rescued this poor girl from herself.
Lift her up.
She might be too prideful to seek help. She might think that she doesn’t have it that bad because there are borderline girls out there who need it more than she does. She’s usually so optimistic that a bad day doesn’t mean she needs help.
But she doesn’t think she needs help… until she does, and then she doesn’t know where to turn for it.
Her borderline personality disorder might seem tamer, but it’s still there. And it manifests in her with a raging hurricane that you might not see, but trust that it’s still there.
AND THE GIRL YOU CAN’T PINPOINT, BUT FEELS LIKE ALL OF THE ABOVE AND NONE OF THEM, ALL AT ONCE
Because borderline personality disorder is a disease that attacks who she is. Her sense of identity. Your perception of her. Borderline personality disorder makes her feel like a dozen personalities, patched together as one, and yet like nobody, at the same time.
You will never be able to truly pin her down, because she is a whirlwind that laughs with madness over the silliest of things and then cries over seemingly minor setbacks.
Even trained professionals reject her sometimes, because she is difficult.
Manipulative.
Deceptive.
All
those
terrible
things.
But you see that there is some sort of beauty in her. Someone worth loving.
You can listen to our stories. Our perspectives. But don’t tell us that everyone feels that way sometimes, because we can guarantee you that we can hardly find other borderlines that will feel exactly the same way we do.
Our emotions are a mess. Uncontrollable, just like we are.
Hold us responsible for the pain we cause you. When we lash out and throw you away, hold us accountable for our actions. Don’t give us your pity. When we cut you out of our lives, be the bigger person and say, “I respect that, and I will give you your space.” When we come running back, tell us that we owe your an apology. Don’t walk on eggshells around us.
And when we give you love back, in a typhoon, a storm of emotion that hits both of us all at once, believe us. Because when we love back, we can’t see anyone but you. When we express gratitude, we burst into tears because it’s a rare moment for us to believe that anyone can really love us the way you do.
To love a girl with borderline personality disorder is to be in for a rollercoaster. You can never control the disorder. You can never control the girl. You can’t have all the good times and abandon us when we are at our worst. We won’t forget that. This is a commitment.
And when she commits back, she will make it worth it.
SO MAKE THE DECISION FOR YOURSELF.
Will you run? Will you let her rule your life? Will you try to save her from BPD? Or will you accept that she is her own person and that you need to navigate these storms without so much as a guide. Because the rules don’t apply to her. The stories of one borderline girl won’t apply to the next one. You’ll find the hollow, shallow ghosts of similarities, but they will never be the same.
You have to figure out for yourself if you’re being abused. If you’re being loved. If you’re being manipulated. If she’s giving you all she’s got. You must make the choice to walk away from a toxic relationship or to hold on to someone worth having.
That’s how you love a girl with borderline personality disorder.
This post was originally written for The Fractured Light.
