Happy 24th Birthday
Once more, the time has come—March 17th, your birthday—and here I find myself on Medium, endeavoring to immortalize some cherished memories of you.
Happy 24th birthday, and we dearly miss you. It’s hard to believe that 15 years have passed since we last celebrated your birthday together. You left us on April 19th, 2009, just 33 days after your last birthday with us. March for us has always been your month, your birthday month, when references of you increase in the household.
Two days ago, Papa was reminiscing about you, recalling how you once told him that when you grew up, you wouldn't let him work, and you'd take care of everything, even going to the market yourself. Provided he buys you a scooty. He smiled warmly as he continued, recalling another instance from our days during your treatment, emphasising the fearlessnes being characteristic of you. It was the time when Raj overheard a father and son engaged in a loud argument. Unable to bear it any longer, he rang their doorbell. When they came out, he furiously addressed the father, saying, "Uncle, as an advocate, you're so well-read. How can you and your son not be mindful and yell so loudly? It will tarnish your reputation. Please, be mindful of your reputation and don't repeat this." To our surprise, they apologized to an 8-year-old, and they never repeated it, at least not while we were in the neighborhood. Mummy and Papa said in unison, "haan darta toh nahi tha kisi se (yes, he was never scared of anyone or anything)" and smiled.
You embraced people with love, caring for each person around you, and you delighted in bringing smiles to their faces. With a heart as generous as yours, it's no surprise you found the strength to endure five major brain surgeries while still radiating a zest for life. Perhaps it's true—bright flames do burn quick indeed.
With you, I was never alone. Since you’ve been gone, a part of me has felt lonely. Whenever I see siblings sharing their bond, I can’t help but miss you, wondering what it would have been like if you were here. I often wonder how you would look now. There was this one time I missed you terribly, imagining various scenarios of what it would have been like if you were still with us. Would our relationship have remained as close as it was when we were kids, with me still dominating you in every possible way, making you obey your elder sister? Would we still be the great buddies we used to be, sharing everything, and would you still love me despite all my faults?
As kids, my brother Raj aka Rudraksh, and I shared an incredibly close and beautiful relationship. With just a 2 years and 9 months age gap, we were more like friends than siblings. I have fragmented memories of our time together etched in my mind. I recall us dancing joyfully with the stereo blaring in our room in Arunachal, and walking hand in hand to catch the bus for VKV school bus. Raj was my partner in crime, always ready to stand by me, even if we occasionally had our fights. However, he was always the first to make amends. While he usually called me by my name, when I was upset, I became "Didi," his elder sister.
I remember moments when he stood by me, supporting me even when it meant going against everyone else. I was an introvert, while he was an extrovert. I remember a family gathering from our childhood where our school principal called my father and also spoke to Raj but in English. Later, he expressed a desire to speak to me, but I declined because I was shy and not very fluent in English, feeling reluctant to speak up. Some of our cousins laughed at me when I couldn’t respond, but Raj kept cheering me on, saying, "You can do it! Just forget about being correct, just speak, and it will all come out fine." It touched me, I knew, no matter what I always have him and all will be fine and yes I’ll make it. Yes, I would sail through with Raj by my side cheering the loudest for me.
He always made an effort to make me smile by getting my favorite things. Despite my aversion to physical touch and not letting anyone touch me, when I was in a bad mood, he would come and give me forced hugs, kisses, and tickles until I couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably.
I miss you dearly, and I often wish you were here. I’m certain life would have been much easier with you by my side. We would have shared every joy and sorrow, and found our ways together. Papa always wanted to send you to NSD (National School of Drama) because of you were the art kid. You know, my LL.M college was very close to NSD, and would cross it everyday. Even now, whenever I walk past it, I’m reminded of you, imagining what it would be like if you were here and how wonderful it would be to walk hand in hand to college together again. But time and fate had its way, and left all in the realm of "was," "would," or "could". Nothing "is" nor ever it "will be". Alas, such is life.
Most of the time, I try to block out memories of you and avoid talking about you in great details because it hurts too much, and I don't want to dwell on that pain. But on you birthday, I can't seem to escape your memory.
All I can say is, sometimes visit me in my dreams, talk to me, and guide me through. Happy 24th Birthday❤️
