Vulnerability: That gross ‘icky’ feeling everyone hates
General anxiety over the little things are terrible. So, I’m just going to go ahead and make myself uncomfortable.
I am in a very strange place in my life — as I assume most people are, even for the 20-somethings.
Being in between jobs has left me feeling understandably lost and I completely understand why joblessness drove many people (including my partner) to just lose it as they left uni. I’m exceptionally grateful for finding a full-time job in less than 6 months from handing in my thesis as opposed to those who were in limbo for 2 years or more.
Choosing to expose one’s self online and be vulnerable to the pandemonium that is The Internet is scary at its baseline. When you’re someone who’s recovering from several relapses of anxiety and depression, the fear and irrationality is oh so much greater. I can tell you as I write this there is much icky in my stomach. Oh dear.
Unfortunately, I, for some reason, like to tackle my fears head-first which, in the past, have led to some moments of metaphorical face-planting. The paradox is real: for example, becoming obsessed with music in my teens despite suffering debilitating performance anxiety. “Yes! I want to perform on stage!” sounded so much better in my head compared to crumpling live on stage in a hyperventilating ball of tears. Fun fact: performance anxiety can relapse too. Despite 2–3 years of panic-free performing, I experienced the same fear going through my tertiary music performance classes.
So… here I am. I’ve been avoiding writing extensively as a contributor to public discourse because I value my own abilities so poorly. I have much to express and contribute.
Hopefully, while I journey along this more public path, you’ll have as much fun and as many fears as I do.
This is my first post on any online platform like Medium. I’ve got a few pieces I’m hoping to compose and post over time. Fingers crossed that I don’t do too much online face-planting >_>