Example Common App Essay & Critique
This article is part of a 3-part blog series about how to improve your college application essays. You can find more background on this topic by reading the following article.
Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Essay Example
He is charging towards me headfirst. He is big, strong, and very fast. I am the last one standing from my squad and the only one between him and his target. I slide in and steal the ball from him. It is the last minute, and with my long clearance, the referee blows the whistle for the last time. My team wins the national championship.
“Defense should maintain a high line…….. Move with the ball and not the player,” are some tactics I come up with on the field while trying to analyze my opponents in the five-minute time frame I have. I perceive, understand and formulate solutions that are best for the situation in front of me.
Sometimes, when I sit in the park or at restaurants, I gaze at the people around me, watching, intently, their every move. I silently notice the homeless on the streets through the side window of my car and try to give these strange faces a story. As I observe everyone around me, I see everything they have to offer: whether it is my friend Andy’s great artistic talent or my teammate Arjun’s potential to be a great soccer player one day. I try to help them see their true talents and work to achieve all their dreams and aspirations. For me, the greatest happiness lies in helping those around me push for greatness.
I am the first attacker and the last defender. In a soccer match, every play is started by the defense. The defenders take the ball forward and then pass it to their teammates. When not in possession of the ball, the defender becomes the last man standing between the striker and his goal. For me, the pressure a defender is faced with in such situations is what keeps me calm. Knowing that an entire team of 17 players is relying on me to stop the striker from scoring has always given me more motivation to do my job the best. I have always gone towards responsibility. The feeling of knowing that I am someone people depend on when they give me some responsibility is what pushes me forward. My friends and family are cognizant of the fact that I will always be there as their support. When Nick and Renita come to me for help with some C++ programs that they work on or when my coach asks me to conduct the warm up and drills during soccer practice- I always am always prepared for the task at hand.
“Lead from the back — and let others believe they are in front.” Playing as the last man on the field has made me realize that leading from behind has great advantages. You are able to view the entire battlefield and set clear goals from the beginning and sometimes move forward to unlock the true potential of others. Just as in chess, the way players have a complete view of the board, with all the pieces and potential moves in front of them, I am able to read a situation better by examining all aspects. (impactful example)
I am not a dominant alpha. I don’t believe in being the center of attention all the time. I lead from the back, but have my aims set right at the top. After all, even the human body can’t stand straight without the backbone. I am the kind who work silently, inspiring others along the way.
Essay & In-Text Critique
He is charging towards me headfirst. He is big, strong, and very fast. I am the last one standing from my squad and the only one between him and his target. I slide in and steal the ball from him. It is the last minute, and with my long clearance, the referee blows the whistle for the last time. My team wins the national championship.
Strong introduction that grabs the reader’s attention and establishes the topic of the essay. You do a great job capturing the reader’s imagination and setting a scene where the emotion can be felt. Good job of showing that you are playing soccer without having to explicitly mention the word soccer.
“Defense should maintain a high line…….. Move with the ball and not the player,” are some tactics I come up with on the field while trying to analyze my opponents in the five-minute time frame I have. I perceive, understand and formulate solutions that are best for the situation in front of me.
I like that you are using specific soccer tactics to show your ability to analyze, maybe you can flesh these out a little more. However, this sounds like another hook. You should only have one such paragraph to start your essay. To make it sound less like a hook maybe start with a topic sentence rather than a quote, and go into further detail about your ability to analyze.
Sometimes, when I sit in the park or at restaurants, I gaze at the people around me, watching, intently, their every move. I silently notice the homeless on the streets through the side window of my car and try to give these strange faces a story. As I observe everyone around me, I see everything they have to offer: whether it is my friend Andy’s great artistic talent or my teammate Arjun’s potential to be a great soccer player one day. I try to help them see their true talents and work to achieve all their dreams and aspirations. For me, the greatest happiness lies in helping those around me push for greatness.
The theme of helping those around you see their potential is a powerful one! Maybe you can try expanding on this and delving more into specific examples. The opening of this paragraph where you mention homeless people is an interesting note that could be a strong example, but I think you need to expand a little bit more on how this ties into seeing people’s potential and helping them realize that potential. As you have it right now, it’s a bit of a jump from observing the homeless to helping your friends. This paragraph also seems a little out of place given the focus on soccer in the previous and succeeding paragraphs.
I am the first attacker and the last defender. In a soccer match, every play is started by the defense. The defenders take the ball forward and then pass it to their teammates. When not in possession of the ball, the defender becomes the last man standing between the striker and his goal. For me, the pressure a defender is faced with in such situations is what keeps me calm. Knowing that an entire team of 17 players is relying on me to stop the striker from scoring has always given me more motivation to do my job the best. I have always gone towards responsibility. The feeling of knowing that I am someone people depend on when they give me some responsibility is what pushes me forward. My friends and family are cognizant of the fact that I will always be there as their support. When Nick and Renita come to me for help with some C++ programs that they work on or when my coach asks me to conduct the warm up and drills during soccer practice- I always am always prepared for the task at hand.
I like the theme of thriving under pressure and responsibility, but how does this tie in with the overall theme of this essay? It seems to be a fairly different theme than the previous paragraphs. If this is the theme you want to focus on, further explore the examples of responsibility you feel from your friends and family.
“Lead from the back — and let others believe they are in front.” Playing as the last man on the field has made me realize that leading from behind has great advantages. You are able to view the entire battlefield and set clear goals from the beginning and sometimes move forward to unlock the true potential of others. Just as in chess, the way players have a complete view of the board, with all the pieces and potential moves in front of them, I am able to read a situation better by examining all aspects. (impactful example)
The opening quote mentions letting others believe they are in the front but you don’t touch upon this in the paragraph. Try to have focused topic sentences that give the reader an accurate idea of what that paragraph is going to be about. Again, there is a different theme here of leading from the back, how does this tie into the overall message of the essay? You make a brief mention of being able to “unlock the true potential of others,” but again this paragraph seems to have a different message than the rest of your essay.
I am not a dominant alpha. I don’t believe in being the center of attention all the time. I lead from the back, but have my aims set right at the top. After all, even the human body can’t stand straight without the backbone. I am the kind who work silently, inspiring others along the way.
Overall Critique
You have a lot of strong elements in this piece, but the overall message of the essay seems to be a little unclear. Ask yourself what you are trying to convey with this essay, and make sure that this message is present throughout. I see several potential themes here: that you lead from the back, enjoy pressure, enjoying a sense of responsibility and helping others, helping others realize their potential, are observant, are focused. You may be able to incorporate these different characteristics into an overarching theme, but the overall message of this essay should be clear to the admission’s officer. With that being said, it is better to focus on one or two characteristics that you believe speak to who you are as an applicant, and explore these in a more detailed way than briefly mentioning several different characteristics. This depth over coverage is always a better way to showcase who you are and aspire to be over the next four years. I’d also like you to expand a little more on the characteristics you choose to highlight, and also elaborate on how they not only help you outside of soccer in your personal life, but how you believe they will help you and your peers grow as college students.
Another overall critique I have of this essay is cleaning up the structure of the essay. It seems as though you have several opening hooks and again several themes. Make sure your topic sentences reflect what the rest of the paragraph will be about, and structure your essay in a way that flows seamlessly from paragraph to paragraph. I think once you are able to establish what you would like the overall message of this essay to be, it will be easier to make these changes.
