Example Supplemental Essays & Critiques
This article is part of a 3-part blog series about how to improve your college application essays. You can find more background on this topic by reading the following article.
Prompt: Why Georgia Tech?
Essay Example
I believe that Georgia Tech provides the right community that I am looking for.
My seniors from school tell me that professors at Georgia Tech are pioneers in their respective fields. Joining Gatech Chapter of the Acoustical Society of America, I could meet distinguished inventors like Woody Norris, whose TED talk about parametric speakers inspired me. Moreover, I was very excited when I read about Professor Bert Bras’ C-MAX Solar Energi Concept — having designed a solar-powered auto-rickshaw myself — that uses specially designed solar panel technology, powering a car with 8 kWh charge per day. Learning from and working with such amazing faculty and peers at Georgia Tech will help me realize my dream of working in the field of alternative energy. In my own small way, I tried to find a solution to India’s auto- rickshaw drivers’ problem. At Gatech, I hope to learn how to do so much more.
Overall Critique
Overall a strong essay. You did a great job including specific details such as Professor Bert Bras and the specific Woody Norris TED Talk that impacted you, however certain details such as the volt kWh on your auto-rickshaw may not be necessary. It is clear that you have researched and looked into Georgia Tech’s programs, but perhaps you could briefly touch on another aspect of the school, such as the community in the first sentence.
Going forward, you could go on to mention the culture of inclusivity or another aspect of the community to add to your essay. Due to the shorter word limit, it may be better to include this alternative topic than just focus on your interest in alternative energy. This is more challenging in a short essay like this, so don’t worry about going into too much depth but there should be some backing to your claims. Lastly, you may also want to revise your closing sentence to be a little more impactful and less generic sounding.
Prompt: Why Hamilton?
Essay Example
For many of my classmates, the college application process has been very stressful. However, as the youngest of four, I learned from my siblings that creating a spreadsheet, and listing all the categories important to me, would make the decision much easier.
Having done that, Hamilton College is my top choice for the following reasons: Though perhaps not important to other applicants, because I am a competitive show jumper, an equestrian team is essential. I attend a small private high school, where all my classes have fewer than fifteen students, so the small class sizes and the 9:1 student/teacher ratio at Hamilton are also important factors. The school’s academic reputation and sense of history, along with its innovative teaching style, its access to nature, and its geographic location, complete the list of factors that attract me most to Hamilton College.
Because I spend two to three months each year living in Greece and traveling throughout the rest of Europe, I sometimes feel out of sync with many of my peers. Farm life in a remote mountain village with my great-grandmother, and sailing on a tiny boat between small fishing harbors has given me a very different perspective on the world. For me, the most direct path to fulfillment and happiness comes as a direct result of respect and appreciation for everything and everyone. It’s just that simple.
So, I can’t wait to become a part of a college family with a different perspective of its own.
Overall Critique
The essay has good elements to it but needs some work. The flow of the essay sounds a little choppy at both a sentence level and throughout when going from point to point. Avoid formatting your reasons for wanting to study at Hamilton as a list (See paragraph 2). I would encourage depth over coverage, that is your essay will be stronger if you focus on fewer reasons for wanting to attend but go into each reason in more depth. I like the different elements about your travel and the sense of fulfillment you are bringing in, but you need to include how these points tie in with the overall message of the essay, and how they relate to your desire to go to Hamilton.
Moving forward, think about removing the initial paragraph or rewriting it in a way that better ties into the main message of this essay in an impactful manner. Restructure your sentences as well as your transitions to make the essay flow and not sound as abrupt. Given that you have a relatively larger word limit to work with, this prompt may best be answered through a story. Explore one or two of the several factors you list as reasons for wanting to attend Hamilton and remember to show not just tell. For example, if show jumping or small classes are important for you, show through personal anecdotes or experiences why these are so vital to your growth as a person and student. Remember to also try and be a little more specific as to why Hamilton’s equestrian team or small class sizes stand out from other universities with similar qualities.
