30 day writing challenge — Day 15 : If you could run away, where would you go?

I read this quote a long time ago but I still remember it now and then, especially with these sorts of questions:

‘I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question.’

I think it’s reassuring to have a back-up plan in life for if things go wrong or become too much. I almost thought about following through on mine last month when work was really getting me down and each day was becoming unbearable. Ultimately though we have to ask ourselves if we are running away to delay something or because change is needed, necessary and will ultimately advance our situation. I wonder if you can have a plan when running away or if it’s always to escape a plan? If running away can be associated with courage instead of fear? What stops me from running away?

Right now, I think I stay because of my health and needing a full year of stability before I can really move away from my family and psychiatrist. I hate this reason as it makes me feel stuck and like it’s out of my control. It makes me feel guilty and frustrated for causing this problem in the first place by smoking cannabis. In moments like this I’m torn. Do I listen to the psychiatrist who said it wasn’t all about cannabis that caused my hypo-maniac episode and it’s part of bipolar which I’ll have to manage for the rest of my life or do I take the guilt that I caused all this with the reassurance that I can therefore control it not happening again.

Anyway, I’ve digressed. I also stay because I care too much about societal expectations. If I run away, what happens to my job? Can I really just up and leave it?

My runaway involves going to the south of Spain and finding a job out there teaching English. Sure, the pay wouldn’t be great, maybe I’d be surrounded by younger people, but it would be a massive change from what I do now — a new environment, way of life, hearing and speaking Spanish every day, more relaxed career, …although I’m sure teaching comes with many stresses. I’ve kept some practicality with the runaway, I’ve not dreamt too big although I guess the ideal one would be to run away somewhere where I could have inspiration for writing a book and write it in a frenzied spur of motivation and crystal thinking and flurry of imagination. Is the runaway key to writing the book? Or do I reward myself with a break after writing the book?

My Grandma’s is to go to a desert island, to have peace, as she says. Not only is this wholly unpractical but it makes me feel kind of sad. Can she really find no peace with other people? For me, a runaway wouldn’t be to find peace but to find adventure, change, and happiness. Can I find all these things without running away? I hate the voice inside of me that tells me that’s growing up and dealing with what you’ve got. I feel anxious at the thought growing up means settling and sacrificing. But then it’s healthier to accept this than entertain a runaway as the only option. If I think my Grandma should find peace in her own life, I should be able to find happiness, adventure and change in mine.