Apology from Equifax CEO, Tom Equifax

Good morning, America. I’m Tom Equifax, founder & CEO of Equifax. As you’ve probably read, a hacker recently gained access to a couple of files, which contained extensive personal & financial information for 143 million Americans. It even had some Social Security and credit card numbers in it, which is going to mean big trouble for a whole lot of people. And I’m sorry that any of you think I give a shit.

I mean, look. I even put this apology behind a paywall. That’s how much I don’t care. Really, my misanthropy should be obvious. If I cared about people, would I get rich running a company that reduces people to a number? A number based partly on whether you owe corporations enough money? We literally decide if you’re worth anything to society, and it has nothing to do with what you do, or think. Saving a baby from a fire doesn’t help your credit score at all. Credit score companies are evil, and I love running mine. So why would I care if we lost enough data to ruin 143 million lives? I work on ruining all your lives, every day. This is a freebie. This is boner material. Just imagine how many fraudulent lines of credit are gonna come out of this! I’m gonna get to drop so many of your scores, based on things you didn’t even do. And it’s gonna be awesome.

Some of you have probably realized by now that Equifax was founded 118 years ago, and you’re wondering how I, founder Tom Equifax, am still alive. It’s because I use dark magicks to convert the sorrows of the poor into vital essence. And so long as Equifax remains in operation, there will be more than enough poor-sorrow to keep me alive, underground, in a bunker, where I will sleep through the coming nuclear apocalypse, and re-emerge to rebuild society as its new God.

Why did I decide to use poor-sorrow, instead of rich-sorrow? Because fuck poor people. You heard me. Don’t act surprised! I obviously hate poor people. All credit scoring companies do. Credit scores only really hurt poor people & middle poor people (that’s what I call the “middle class”), and that’s on purpose. If you’re rich, the score doesn’t really matter, because you have enough collateral for anything, or you can just make a bigger down payment! Donald Trump has a horrendous credit score, and it doesn’t matter. Never did, never will. A billionaire with terrible credit gets to be President & tear this planet down, and your unemployed ass can’t even get a used car. Credit scores are really something, aren’t they folks?

You know, if I had things my way, you wouldn’t be able to know your life-number without paying us. You only get that one free report a year because the stupid government makes us. In a better world, in the world I will build once this one burns in atomic hellfire, the mutant survivors will just never be able to rent an apartment or get a loan, and they’ll never know why. They’ll walk around with an ever-present sense of doom & dread, wondering if today’s the day their hidden society-rating drops too far for them to keep on living. That’s the Equifax dream.

So, 143 million people now have to worry about their lives being stolen out from under them. Because we’re allowed to know everything about you, but we can’t be bothered to be responsible, because we hate you. I can already feel the poor-essence flowing.

Get bent suckers,

FUTURE-GOD TOM EQUIFAX

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