Apology from Equifax CEO, Tom Equifax

Good morning, America. I’m Tom Equifax, founder & CEO of Equifax. As you’ve probably read, a hacker recently gained access to a couple of files, which contained extensive personal & financial information for 143 million Americans. It even had some Social Security and credit card numbers in it, which is going to mean big trouble for a whole lot of people. And I’m sorry that any of you think I give a shit.

I mean, look. I even put this apology behind a paywall. That’s how much I don’t care. Really, my misanthropy should be obvious. If I cared about people, would I get rich running a company that reduces people to a number? A number based partly on whether you owe corporations enough money? We literally decide if you’re worth anything to society, and it has nothing to do with what you do, or think. Saving a baby from a fire doesn’t help your credit score at all. Credit score companies are evil, and I love running mine. So why would I care if we lost enough data to ruin 143 million lives? I work on ruining all your lives, every day. This is a freebie. This is boner material. Just imagine how many fraudulent lines of credit are gonna come out of this! I’m gonna get to drop so many of your scores, based on things you didn’t even do. And it’s gonna be awesome.

Some of you have probably realized by now that Equifax was founded 118 years ago, and you’re…