DILEMMA: This Startup Is Actually A Cult Of Talos, The Storm-Lord

A troubling scene from our recent all-hands meeting.

I’ve recently started a job at a new company, which I absolutely love, but I think I might have made a big mistake. Don’t get me wrong; I think my coworkers are pretty cool, the office has great perks, and we get free lunch! But, there’s just no denying that this startup is actually a cult of Talos, the Storm-Lord. And I’m not sure it’s ethical to keep working here.

It’s quite the pickle. They’ve even given me an apartment to live in! My last one turned into condos, and I can’t afford anything currently on the market, so I’d have to move out of town if they hadn’t helped me out. However, I’m not sure that Talos, the Storm-Lord is someone I should really be supporting with my labor. After all, he is the god of destruction & conflagrations. Our app, FlashWeatherMax, is a premium extreme weather app that “predicts” storms…by asking Talos, the Storm-Lord to summon those storms. Deadly ones, causing no end of grief & strife, upon which he subsequently feasts. This company is quite literally fueled by human suffering, and by working here, I’m an accomplice to all its evils. But, I really need this apartment.

Now, how am I so sure this is definitely a cult? Well, my first clue was that it’s frequently stormy inside our office. I haven’t worked at many offices, but, from what I’ve seen, most of them don’t have clouds on the inside. I asked Sheblis in HR about it, and she assured me that the clouds are “normal around here,” then gave me a real neato poncho with the company logo on it. I was prepared to accept this poncho bribe and move on, until I told some friends the story. They assumed I was joking! And then they said things like “No office ever has weather on the inside,” and “How do the computers stay dry?,” and “Are you sure that your new workplace isn’t actually a cult of Talos, the Storm-Lord?” That really got me thinking.

I went back the next day to Sheblis, and confronted her about the points my friends had raised. Sheblis told me that was a “dangerous line of inquiry,” and that I was “endangering my future.” She also said that she wouldn’t report it to my manager, for now, if I agreed to cease asking such questions, but that it could be brought up in the event that they wanted to fire me with cause. According to what I’ve read, that’s perfectly normal startup behavior, which made me feel better. But, she ended the meeting by saying “Go forth, and fear always the wrath of Talos, the Storm-Lord, god of destruction & conflagration.” No two ways about it. This company is definitely an evil cult.

Talos, FlashWeatherMax founder & Storm-Lord // Picture by BATTLEFAIRIES

I feel like I’m in a real tough spot. If I walk away from this job, I’m walking away from the city I’ve lived in for ten years. Is that worth it? Can I really justify maintaining a system that causes monsoons to strike Iowa, and sends tornados descending upon elementary schools, just so I don’t have to move?

No. I can’t. No apartment, no free lunch, is worth these stains on my soul. I’m walking away from startups, and turning my back on Talos, the Storm-Lord. Which is, of course, very dangerous. I probably will be murdered, by a storm, very soon, and I doubt that HR will report that kind of violation. But as some unseasonal hailstones pound my bones into dust, I’ll rest easy knowing that, in the end, I didn’t let my soul be sold for easy money & easy living. I hope, if you’re working at a startup & notice that it’s also an evil cult which does no good for mankind, that you can find the strength to walk away too. Good luck. And be sure not to download FlashWeatherMax, no matter how many quirky video ads they show you!

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