How We Are Ruinynge This Kyngdom

By David Brooks, Author of Philoſophie

I invite you, Lords & Ladies, to read this eſsay aloud to your serfs & servants.

Over the paſt generation, members of the at-all-educated claſs have become amazingly Goode at making sure their Children retain their privileged status. They have alſo become devastatingly Goode at making sure the Children of the Peaſantrie have limited chances to join their ranks. How?

By keepinge them in landed bondage, so that they may not gain wealth or leave Towne? Nay!
By drafting them into Armies, sent on Cruſade? Nay nay!
By torturing thoſe who come into poſseſsion of Bookes? Thrice, nay!

It is becauſe we uſe all this LATIN.

We have all obſerved, have we not, the fear of a Serf when preſented with the arcane words of Auld Rome? Why, we even muſt lock the doors during Maſs, or elſe the Peaſantes would flee in terror before it even got to the fifth hour. It is plain to see that the true barrier in our Societie is not Money, Power, or Law. It is the Diſcomfort experienced when preſented with Latin.

Juſt the other Day, I took myn body-servant with me to the taberna (for Peaſants hearing this read aloud: “taberna” is Latin for “tavern,” be not Afraid) inſide Earl Tubinghym’s Chancellery. As a jape, the Daily Menu is poſted in Latin, since all who would dyne there can read sych wordes. At first, myn body-servant did not recognize this, seeing only strange Scrawlings up on the wall. When I explained that it was in fact Latin wordes for various kinds of Soup & Sand-wych, he began to roll his Eyes, & wail as if the Seventh Seale had been ope’d on Judgment Day! I had him flogged for cauſing such Disſurbance, & sent his Familie away, as Puniſhment. But I could not help think: if only he had not seen this Latin, he might have kept his Compoſure & not suffered such Puniſhment. O, curſed Latin, source of such Peaſantly woe!

But! Lo, what can We do? Hark: Aye, it would be Nice if we could simply give some Monies to those who “Do Without.” & aye, it would be Nice if we did not conſcript them in wars which enrich only those who already have more Wealth than can e’er get into Heaven Above. & aye, oh aye, it would be Nice if we did not keep people as Slaves. But, none of those changes will matter one whit if thoſe “Newly Uplifted” are confronted with LATIN. We must convert our public & private spaces to the Vulgar Tongue, Angliſh, at once, if our Kyngdom is to flourish into the 13th Centurie! Riſe up, Peaſants!, & demand Angliſh! Then, straight back to the fields for Harveſt, so that the reſt of us may Eat.

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