Lessons I Learned from the Rich People I Knew as a Child

This isn’t their exact house, but, you get the idea.

1. Money is Great

Seriously. It’s so awesome. They will tell you otherwise. They will claim that it does not buy happiness. And, truth be told, they throw very nice parties and are generous when entertaining. But, as you stand in their beautiful kitchen with a kitchen floor that has been refashioned to LOOK LIKE AN OCEAN FLOOR, you will know that when it comes to money, they are lying, or wrong! Money is great, and it’s great to have it!

2. Statues are Great

This one, they will not dispute. Even they will admit that having statues is far, far, far better than not having statues. Especially if one of the statues is of a pod of whales, but the whales are, like, water, so it’s, like, the sea and the sea creatures are one and the same? Worth staring at. For hours. Best of luck finding that quality of art at the Goodwill!

3. Workers’ Long-Term Happiness Matters Less than Short-Term Gains

So, so, so much less! The possibility of getting even more money is at stake, people! Back to work!

4. Boats are Great

Truly, nautical joys are some of the greatest joys. Think you might miss something from your house while you’re on your boat? Nope! You can bring everything you want to onto a boat, if you’re rich enough to have a very big boat! Even better: have a boat, AND have Waverunners. AND fish radar, for your boat. Then the fish won’t be able to escape you, unlike how you escape paying anyone more than you absolutely have to!

5. Never Pass Up a Chance to get Money, Even if it Screws Your Workers

Scared money don’t make money. Neither does loyal money, nor compassionate money! Well, I mean, they make SOME money, sure, but you could get EVEN MORE money if you’re vicious instead!

6. Did I Mention Statues? I Did, Right?

STATUES. SO GREAT.

7. Even if Your Workforce Presents You with a Sensible Employee Buyout Plan Which Would be Very Profitable AND Ensure Continued Employment for your Loyal Workforce, if There’s a Way to Get Even Slightly More Money, Go for the Money, Even if it Means Putting People Out of Work and Causing Huge Familial Crises on the Eve of a Financial Collapse

This may seem counterintuitive, unless you absorb lessons #1 and #5! Then you’ll understand that, at the end of the day, nothing matters more than getting just a little bit more money. Nothing! Not even boats.

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