2017 — a year to practise wellbeing

This is what wellbeing looks like! 8 days with books, no technology, sun, sand, friends and nature.

This is me. Pure and simple. No filter. No make-up. No fake smile. No fancy as clothes. No backdrop. One click. One take. One life. One year committed to practising wellbeing.

I didn’t realise when I stepped off the plane earlier this month, into the sweltering heat of Apia, Samoa that I was about to embark on a journey of self-discovery. That what seemed, on the outside, to be a holiday with my boyfriend and a celebration of my friend’s wedding would actually be the catalyst for major change and upheaval in my life. Typical!

December 2016: The weeks leading up to Christmas were difficult, I was struggling with my mental health, missing the beautiful humans I had met in the States, stressing about my workload going into 2017 and wondering how I was going to get my shit together. I had lost a lot of weight coming back to NZ after GSMP. I wasn’t eating well and was drinking every night to numb my overworking brain (which was functioning off the charts in a realm of happiness that just isn’t normal AKA Manic). I also wasn’t really communicating well with anyone. Basically, a recipe for disaster.

A few days before Christmas I had a Skype chat to Belli (she’s this amazing, beautiful human from Bangalore — one of my GSMP sisters). She asked me how I was… how I really was. I started explaining my mental health to her and talking about my medication — she listened, asked questions and then said something along the lines of “You know, there’s other ways that you could practise wellbeing and looking after your mental health…”. We talked about this for a while and I kind of agreed “Yeah, yeah… I’ve tried three times to come off my medication but I crash and burn… it’s too hard”. We left things there and I didn’t think too much more about it for a couple of weeks, but looking back now… she planted a seed that flourished while I was on holiday.

Without going into all the detail of my thought processes over the last month I can say that by the final day in Samoa — the day I took the photo above — I had come to some conclusions about what I needed to do to improve my wellbeing and to make 2017 the best year yet. I knew what my issues and interests were and came up with a game plan, or as some of my teamies like to call it Fran with a plan, to come off my medication and build my resilience and wellbeing. I’ve written this blog as a public commitment to myself but also because I want to share these ideas out loud in case it can help others to reset or to think about prioritising their own wellbeing.

Here’s a list of how I am attempting to be a better version of myself and go medication free in 2017.

1. Be vulnerable — I wrote a whole blog on this topic, go have a read if you like. In a nutshell, I’ve realised I have some pretty high walls when it comes to being open and sitting with feelings of pain and worthlessness. I recognise that I tell myself destructive and unhelpful stories and that I can’t shift my mindset when I’m on the run and compartmentalising all the elements of my life.
2. Be single and know I’m enough— this story doesn’t belong just to me so all I’ll say is that it became clear to me that I wasn’t capable of being in an intimate relationship with anyone. I don’t currently have the capacity to care the way I would like to for somebody else, therefore I need to do the work on myself before I invite another human into my life. I don’t want to continue to repeat patterns of negative behaviour over and over again so it’s time to be brave and address years of built up brokenness. “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got” — Henry Ford
3. Run — anyone who knows the power that physical activity can have towards promoting positive mental health will totally get this. My jam is to run… for miles. It isn’t hard to commit to this as I have awesome teamies to run with, Ollie dog and an Ultramarathon (62km) event in three weeks! The other positive that comes with running in Wellington is the access to green space and nature. I am surrounded by hills that when you reach the top you can almost touch the sky. Being above the world, with your feet firmly on the ground gives a sense of perspective. You can feel your heart beating and your blood pumping through your veins. You really feel alive.
4. Be mindful — I know the power of sitting in the stillness and the sense of peace that comes with acknowledging my thoughts and allowing them to float away. I know that committing to practising mindfulness at least four times a week will help me find balance and perspective in this busy world.
5. “Get off your phones” — having had no technology for a week in Samoa reminded me how much I love living in the real world. Whist it would be amazing to just throw my phone away, I would miss out on witnessing the awesome work my national and international teamies are doing. Also, my commitment to Shift and connecting with young women means I must meet them where they stand, and for most this means online. My compromise to this is no social media after 9pm and all notifications are turned off on my phone. I have also been researching the psychology behind the validation of ‘likes’ and ‘followers’ on social media. My worth is not going to be determined by how many people ‘like’ what I post, my worth comes from inside and the only people whose ‘likes’ really count are my own and those I love deeply.
6. Limit alcohol consumption — You know you have a problem when you crave the false happiness that sits at the bottom of a bottle. Drinking has been my way of creating a false sense of positivity and happiness. I know I must feel the feelings and sit with them, sober and real. Don’t block them out, don’t drink them away. Living in this amazing world and taking the good with the bad is just a part of life.
7. Listen and talk— I am so blessed to have the most amazing friends and family. I have shared my current state of being with the people closest to me and asked them to help keep an eye on my moods and hold me accountable to my commitment to myself. I also know that doing all the talking isn’t a great way to live. I am ensuring that I prioritise listening to others, hearing how their lives are going and checking in on their wellbeing. No human is an island and we need to share and be involved in others’ lives, not be self-absorbed and inward looking.
8. Believe that everyone is doing the best that they can with what they’ve got — Some of you will argue this point, hell — even I’ve argued it with myself! But my focus is to truly believe this statement. Even if it turns out it’s not true, the moment I take to consider it is representative of taking a breath, a pause, before I judge and before I speak. Those who know me will appreciate me practising to pause and consider before I share my thoughts and opinions. I know this will help me be more open, a better listener and less judgemental. Let’s look for the best in people. Let’s try to understand why people do what they do. Let’s consider their upbringing, their culture, their place in the world. Let’s seek to understand others first.
9. Write — blogs, poetry, journal. Get the thoughts out on paper, don’t let them fester away inside. I have a box with 15 journals dating back to my first year at Intermediate (age 11). I know the magic of writing thoughts down on paper. I write when times are tough or when I’m unwell. This year I am committed to writing through the good and the bad.

So, that’s it really. We’ll see how it goes. I said to Chloe tonight that I want to get off this rollercoaster, but I don’t really. If I got off I wouldn’t be here and that’s not an option. This rollercoaster is life and whilst it’s not always easy I’m so blessed to be living it and sharing it with so many amazing and inspiring humans.

Massive thank you to my support crew who ALWAYS have my back and love me regardless of where I’m sitting on the 1–12 rating scale. xxx