The unbearable lightness of being me

I was overweight when I turned 30. With a weight of 145.5kg (~321lb) and a BMI of 44 I was morbidly obese. But this is not a sad story about my struggle.

So I started exercising, and having a better diet. I got into fitness and bodybuilding, lost a ton of weight the first year, and my health improved. I achieved my lowest weight last October at 88.7kg (~196lb) and a BMI of 27, being technically overweight, but with all the muscle I put on, I was not fat at all. But this is not an epic story about achievement.

Since then I’ve put on weight, to my current 105.5kg (~233lb). And so I’m again trying to lose it back. But this is not a personal story about why or how I failed.

This is a story about identity, and self-image.

Putting on that weight had a great impact on me. Not that I can’t lose it back, because I’ve done it before and I know I can. Also, and more important, I know how to do it.

Problem is that being fit had become a part of my identity, a part of my self-image. Transforming your own body like that is a strong and powerful process by itself. It’s something you have to do for yourself, and no one can take it away from you. So finding out I had the discipline and mental strength to do it was part of a deeper transformation, on how I was. On who I was.

So now I’m fatter and I don’t like it. But it affects me in a way people around me don’t seem to understand. It’s not only about the way I look, or the compliments or the looks I get. It’s about the way I present myself to the world.

I know that by writing this I may seem like the vainest person in the world, so worried about my physical appearance. And we all usually judge others of being vain and simple. But truth is only our image of them is vain and simple. No one has just one thing on his life. No one has just one face to every situation she faces.

For me putting on that weight is a setback on what for a long time was a continual self-improvement process. It’s also a hitch in terms of bodybuilding progress. And a failure on my knowledge of nutrition.

And it’s also a character weakness, in the same way my previous accomplishment was one of my character strengths. It comes with a feeling of being lost, in the same way I was finding myself before.

So it’s not about how others see me, but how I see myself, even if it makes me narcissistic.