CNN Trump Apologist Maggie Haberman Suffers ‘Break from Reality’
Chaos erupted in the home of New York Times White House correspondent and CNN political analyst Maggie Haberman after her nagging conscience colluded with what was left of her critical thinking abilities over her ceaseless fawning of the Trump administration.
“At first it was innocent enough. She’d say she was playing Devil’s Advocate, or would point to some rote piece of governing as the turning point. She kept referring to them as the ‘Presidential Moments’,” said her husband Dareh as he nervously smoked a cigarette outside of the Kingsboro Psychiatric Center. “ She’s always been good like that you know? But it just became too much. The balancing act. The inconsistencies, the outright lies Trump tells. I mean Shawn Johnson possessed by the spirit of Mary Lou Retton training for the Ninja Warrior couldn’t perform those feats of mental gymanstics. It’s just not possible. Not for anyone. Eventually you just crack, and your mind goes,” Dareh said referring to the tweet that was the catalyst for the breakdown.
Betty Parker, neighbor and family friend, was the first to find Ms. Haberman just after she’d sent her tweet. “I was packing my son’s lunch when I heard a shriek from Maggie’s house. I rushed over to find her (Maggie) convulsing on the floor muttering absolute non-sense. I didn’t know what else to do so I called my niece who’s a gradate student at NYU in philosophy.”
When help arrived on the scene Haberman was still conscious enough to post on social media, but little else.
“Ms. Haberman was already in a state deep psychosis, almost a total break from reality,” said Kayla Eckles, Betty Parker’s niece, as she took a sip from her latte and shifted her oversized messenger bag stuffed with papers she still needed to grade. “Maggie was tweeting, but nothing was recognizable in terms of logic or reason. Normally that’s pretty typical if you follow her on Twitter but this was different. If you look at her tweets you can see her deteriorating in real time. It’s a shock to the system.”
Initially Ms. Haberman was taken to Namaste Joe, a local coffee shop and college intellectual hang out to assess her situation.
“It’s a real chill vibe here,” said owner Kurt “Purple Chaze” Brown. “Maggie was in a bad way. We did what we could for her, played some Alan Watts lectures with a little bit of Dave Brubeck in the background. Nothing too crazy just trying to pull her mind back together if we could before we give her a dose of Plato, Socrates and maybe a little Kant. Maybe.”
When asked to comment on the severity of Ms. Haberman’s condition Mr. Brown replied, “Never seen apologia do a number on someone like this, but when making excuses for an administration as abominable as Trump’s anything is bound to happen. Even skilled political operatives, ones who’ve long ago lost their souls, may not be able to suppress it. She may be a permanently low information voter from here on out.”
When someone casually mentioned Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation Maggie flew into an incoherent rage clawing at her cheeks until they were bloody ribbons of flesh before she was finally subdued. Soon after she seemed to clam after liking a tweet slamming the special prosecutor. It was then the decision was made to transfer her to Kingsboro Psychiatric Center for her own safety.
“I really don’t know what we’re gonna do. She’s had her issues with grammar in the past but nothing like this. Maybe the Stoics were right? Bad knowledge ultimately corrupts the soul, but when you advocate for the devil this is how you end up. It’s fucking karma. It’s fucking Trump.” He husband said before he put out his cigarette on the sidewalk and headed back inside.